Not many people are going to ask this question, but I
will: Michael Fassbender, what happened to you? Seriously, I want to know what
the hell happened to you? You’re one of the most talented and appealing actors
working today, and with two Oscar nominations under your belt. But for some
reason, aside from the “X-Men: Beginnings” saga, you somehow end up in some of
the most underwhelming films I had seen the past few years. Even the Steve Jobs
film, despite the praise it got, I still found to be a film I didn’t care about
whatsoever.
Last
year, Fassbender was in the movie “Assassin’s Creed,” which he also produced.
And if any of you have seen my “Top 15 Worst Films of 2016,” you would know
that the film tied for the #2 spot. The acting was boring, the cinematography
was murky and unpleasant, and the story was so convoluted and complex, that it
felt like they were trying to work in an entire season of an HBO show into a
less than three-hour movie. It was then after seeing that movie, I was led to
believe that Michael Fassbender could never put his name to something worse
than that…and then 10 months later, I see “The Snowman,” and was immediately
proven wrong like I was told the apple wasn’t really a banana.
“The
Snowman” is a film that insults me in ways that I didn’t think it would even go
to. What’s the plot? I can’t tell you, because the film ITSELF doesn’t even
bother to tell you. This film is directed, edited, and written, as if it was
something I would write as a teenager, if I wanted to make a detective story.
Actually, I take it; I COULD MAKE SOMETHING BETTER THAN THIS! Everything that
you see in this film is every stock, cliché, and stereotypical shit point that
is found in just about any detective story, that I’m surprised they didn’t have
a character go “elementary, my good such-and-such.” I mean, it’s about an
alcoholic detective, who is separated from his family, trying to solve a case
of murders that will end up with his female partner killed, but solve it and
become closer to his family…riveting.
The
director of this film was Tomas Alfredson, the one behind “Let the Right One In”
and “Tinker Taylor Soldier Spy.” I know it’s been six years since his last
movie, but he’s still a very talented guy. And from what I’m told, the book
this movie is based on has been said to be really good. Of course, it’s the
seventh book in a series, so maybe jumping ahead might not have been the
smartest idea. Or better yet, maybe the studio should not have given him such a
tight deadline that made it so 10-15% of the script was never filmed,
emphasizing even more just how cheap this movie is. Also, it’s a mostly snowy
field setting, so that makes it even more boring.
Michael
Fassbender…again, what happened to you? You can tell he’s trying to carry this
film as much as possible, but the script and editing are so poor at trying to
piece together a story for him to follow, it felt like he gave up at some point
without telling the audience about it. Honestly, I’m convinced that the people
behind this were just following Fassbender with a film camera while he was on a
drinking binge to stomach his career. And it’s not just him that’s wasted, it’s
everybody here in this movie. Rebecca Ferguson, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Toby
Jones, James D’Arcy, Chloe Sevigny, J.K. Simmons, and even poor Val Kilmer,
still fighting cancer, was dragged into this cluster fuck. None of them are
engaging, the acting from just about each of them is mediocre, and every single
one of them acts suspicious for the sake of being suspicious. You already know
who the killer ends up being, because the movie makes it obvious, but it also
feels the need to remind you of who ISN’T the killer, but still make them look
like a suspect.
Now
you’re probably wondering, throughout all of the horse-shit that is present
within the film, how does it all end? Well, it’s just some guy, who lost his
mom as a kid. Does it amount to anything? No. Does it symbolize Michael
Fassbender to appreciate the family he has? No. Does he evolve from being the cliché
drunk who sleeps in the park? No. Oh, and the way villain dies, is he falls
into the lake without seeing the hole…they literally defeat the villain, with a
cartoon gag.
People,
please…don’t see “The Snowman.” I implore you, stay as far away from this movie
as humanly possible. It’s a film that should not have happened, and the fact
that it did is terrifying. It had a great cast, a great director, a story that’s
well acclaimed, but it’s a case of a studio just not caring about it. If you’re
not even going to allow the people who you hired to finish the movie you commissioned,
get another job! And with that, “The Snowman” is the single worst detective
story I have ever seen.
Rating: 1/10
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