If you remember during my first few
days run with the 100 Day Video challenge, you would know that a lot of them
were vlogs of films that I had either seen a while back, or had just gotten out
of. And among them, was “Alien: Covenant.” As you could probably tell from
those first few vlogs, I didn’t exactly have enough time to let the film
properly soak in and come to a proper conclusion to it, but now that we’ve
entered the month of Halloween, it’s high time that I give the devil his due
and give a proper review to “Alien: Covenant.”
Now going back to 2012, you might
recall that I wasn’t a particular fan of the movie “Prometheus.” And from my
updated Worst of 2012 video, you could see that my opinion hasn’t really
changed much. I had hated just about every character, a lot of important plot
points were cut, making the film make less sense than it already did, and I
just found it unquestionably stupid, especially when it came to the fetus
scene. People have given out their defense for this movie, including Ridley
Scott, who had said that studio interference had messed with his vision, and
that his sequel to the film would have less studio control. As someone who
isn’t a fan of most of Scott’s work, I decided to be a little optimistic on
this one, but what we ended up with…well, let’s get to the plot.
In the 11 years since the events of
“Prometheus,” the colonization ship, the Covenant, sets a course for a planet
to expand humanity. When members of the crew awake prematurely, due to a
neutrino burst that signals to another planet nearby, the awakened crew decide
to investigate, but lead into some drastic trouble with another life form.
So with this being a sequel to
“Prometheus,” does it improve upon the last installment? Does it answer any
questions? Do the Xenomorphs serve a good purpose in this film? The answer:
none of the above. Granted, I wasn’t as mad with this film as I was with
“Prometheus,” but it is a technically worse movie. And despite having the
android, David (once again, played by Michael Fassbender), nothing is really
answered except what were he and Shaw doing the past many years.
Now from the first 20-30 minutes of
this film, I was actually kind of invested. Despite the little time we got to
know these characters, I found myself enjoying the setting and scenario quite
fine. I found myself especially enjoying Danny McBride’s character, despite the
fact that I normally don’t like him in other films…however, that doesn’t last
long enough to establish more than half of the cast, and by the time they
arrive on the planet, it loses my interest fast.
And
soon enough, “Alien: Covenant” turns this once beloved franchise, that had its
first two installments be praised as two of the best films ever made, ends up
becoming a slasher movie. One by one, people are killed off, and we barely know
a damn thing about them, except who their lover was…but even then, you forget
who used to be with who fairly quickly. The only characters that actually stand
out are Katherine Waterson, Danny McBride, and Michael Fassbender, with
everyone else just being a red-shirt or someone who we don’t give a shit about.
Even with some names like Damien Bichar and Billy Crudup, we hardly find
anything investing with them. Hell, even the cameo appearances by James Franco,
Guy Pearce, and Noomi Rapace as Dr. Shaw in “Prometheus,” they’re just there
for the sake of being there. Even with Michael Fassbender reprising the android
David, and playing the dual role as Walter the android, it doesn’t really
amount to anything. It’s just an excuse to go “Hey look what we can do with
this big time actor, in this sci-fi blockbuster, that used to have dignity.” Also,
don’t try to say you didn’t see that really obvious twist coming when you saw
David cutting his hair.
What
about the Xenomorphs? Are they at least fun to watch? No, not really. Even when
we are dealing with the albino ones, the Neomorphs, it just felt boring to
watch, especially when you have it going up against a bunch of bumbling idiots
that slip on blood like a “Tom & Jerry” cartoon. They don’t even explain
how they come into play, or how each variant is made. For a film that claims to
be made by one of sci-fi’s smartest filmmakers, he seems to leave a lot of
unanswered questions, opting to instead show Michael Fassbender playing with
himself (tell me, how could you not laugh at how dumb and pointless that scene
was).
Despite
this film getting praise from critics, garnering a 72% approval rating from
critics on Rotten Tomatoes, a lot of people have been incredibly upset about
this movie. Some have even put that the people who didn’t like “Prometheus”
were responsible for Ridley Scott giving us this tripe, because we wanted more
Xenomorphs…bullshit! I didn’t hate “Prometheus” because it didn’t have
Xenomorphs, I hated it because it had shitty characters, lackluster direction,
and an attitude that actually gave a shit about itself. Ridley Scott blamed
that movie on the studio interfering, but after this train wreck, I can now see
it’s because of him. Hell, I didn’t even WANT another “Alien” film! This series
hasn’t had a good film since 1986, and every film that has come after it has
been understandably worse than the last! Sure, “Alien: Resurrection” and the
first “Alien vs. Predator” were stupid fun, but that’s beside the point! There
was even a supposed “Alien” sequel that Neil Blomkamp was working on, that was
immediately shut down by Ridley Scott, in favor of this crap. Just let this
franchise die in peace!
Overall,
“Alien: Covenant,” aside from the first half hour of it, doesn’t have anything
worth revisiting again. The action’s boring, the characters are stock and
useless, the story is predictable beyond belief, and is just another kick in
the face to the franchise, as brought to us by the director who started it all.
If you think this is worse than “Prometheus,” I completely support that. But because
it had that half hour in the beginning, I give it that slight edge over
“Prometheus.”
Rating: 2/10
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