Top 10 Worst Horror Remakes - 31 Nights of Horror Reviews Year 6

As another Halloween passes us by again, along with my lazy ass falling behind with getting these reviews out, I figured I would continue with the tradition last year, and extend the festivities until I've finished what I've started, even if it takes til Christmas. Plus, there have been a couple horror films I saw that I needed more time to think on. And much like last year, why not revisit the subject of horror movie remakes again, only much like the beginning of October, let's talk about the WORST of the worst.

Now how some of these choices are made, depend on how it was adapted from its previous source material, what they tried and failed at doing different, and how it overall holds up as its own piece of media...as a reminder to why it should have never existed to begin with.

Also, I do have one honorable mention that I would like to address:

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

As shocking as it may seem, this was the closest that a Platinum Dunes movie got to making it onto the list. Looking back on the films I DID watch from that studio, this was the worst the remakes had gotten, but due to one entry I saw this year, it got bumpbed off. But let me rundown what worked and what didn't.

• What worked:
• Jackie Earl Haley was a good choice for Freddy
• Some kills were directed alright, at best
• Cinematography was okay
• Clancy Brown is in it
• if you don't like Clancy Brown, you're doing yourself a disservice
• What sucked:
• Most of the protagonists
• Rooney Mara almost quit acting doing this movie
• Dialogue is awul
• Freddy's face looks like a zombie than a burned victim
• CGI is distracting
• Rest of the kills are uninspired or taken from better films

Okay, now that THAT'S out of the way, let's get to the real list!

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#10: The Wicker Man (2006)

1. Have you ever asked yourself at what point Nicholas Cage stopped taking his career seriously? Often this film is referred to as the starting point of his downfall; and considering he was also a producer for this, doesn’t help either. Based on the 1973 British horror classic of the same name, this version once again follows a policeman investigating the disappearance of a little girl, in this case is his daughter. The biggest problem this movie has is that it doesn’t know how to build suspense; from the beginning, we get this “cult island” vibe that never tries to hide it’s evil intentions (half the time, I think it’s trying to make the protagonist dumb, with the kind of dialogue he has). There’s also a heavy reliance on dream sequences and jump scares, to where it just gets tiresome and predictable, and with how poor the editing is, it only makes the film feel longer than it needs to. That, and the film gets unquestionably misogynistic, but considering this is was directed by Neil LaBute and was aware of the kind of body of work he’s done prior, it doesn’t seem as surprising. The film was even despised by the original film’s director, Robin Hardy, who was threatening to sue for having his name associated with it; even Christopher Lee, one of the stars of the original, was questioning what the point of remaking this was. So with everything said, why isn’t this film higher up? While I agree this film is awful in almost every sense, it comes across as unintentionally funny; I’m dead serious when I say this is the only film on this list that I would recommend to people out of curiosity, if and only to see Nicholas Cage run in a bear suit and punch people (why did you want that?). Also, need we forget...the BEES?!

#9: The Thing (2011)

1. This is a prime example of what happens when some people try to outdo John Carpenter; and while either Rob Zombie’s Halloween (2007) or Rupert Wainwright The Fog (2005) could have been put here, this movie makes the list because of how excellent its predecessor was. If you remember last year, I had put John Carpenter’s 1982 remake of The Thing From Another World (based on the John W. Campbell novel, Who Goes There?) at the #1 spot for the best horror remake ever made. While Christian Nyby’s film certainly has a place in history, especially for its iconic phrase “Keep watching the skies”, John Carpenter took it to the next level, not only creating a closer adaptation, but pushing the limitations of what gore could be brought to at the time. Not only that, but with a cast consisting of greats like Kurt Russell, Keith David, David Clennon, and Wilford Brimley, you had a lot of memorable actors assembled together and who all each had stand out moments. This remake, as a supposed “prequel” to the 1982 film, we follow the same premise of a team of scientists in the arctic, investigating a station in which they thaw out a hibernating alien. Once unleashed, it becomes a guessing game of who the real alien is. Aside from Mary Elizabeth Winstead, who does a fairly decent job at being the team leader, this cast just doesn’t live up to others. Sure, Joel Edgerton and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje are trying to make this work, but with the script just doesn’t seem to engage me as much as it’s supposed to. It’s weird, because this writer, Eric Heisserer, would later go on to write the scripts for Lights Out (2016) and Arrival (2016), the latter being one of the best science fiction films of this decade. To make matters worse, despite the fact that one of the reasons John Carpenter’s The Thing worked was because it had practical effects (IT WAS THERE), we ended up with a CGI looking mess. I don’t put that on the fault of the director, Matthijs van Heijningen Jr, as he did intentionally film with practical effects originally; it was mostly the studio twisting his arm on the decision. It’s a shame, because had there not been so much mandating and hawkeyes, this could have been a somewhat decent movie; heck, had this film not killed the director’s career, he probably would have been making something really interesting. Leave it to Universal to not trust their crew (won’t be the first time you hear from them).

#8: House of Wax (2005)

1. I don’t know whose idea it was to expose Paris Hilton to the celebrity world, but whoever did, I wish you no good will...ever. Much like The Thing, this is yet another remake of a movie that was already remade, but apparently Jaume Collet-Serra didn’t get the memo to NEVER TOUCH A VINCENT PRICE MOVIE! That was the major thing that made the 1953 film so strong was the lead performance by Vincent Price; his character, Prof. Jarrod, was a brilliant artist, broken and driven mad, willing to break the laws of God if he wanted to ever recapture what he had lost. However, instead of a thriller that has a villain with an understood motive, we’re instead treated to the most generic slasher film this side of Crystal Lake, with the villain being another silent killer that looks like Tommy Wiseau. There’s no suspense, there’s no intriguing mystery, and the scares they throw are just lousy jump scares and gore effects that add to nothing. Now you understand why this director decided to go do action movies after instead; at least Liam Neeson makes him money...sometimes.

#7: Poltergeist (2015)

1. The horror genre had always been Sam Raimi’s bread and butter, and even when he’s only producing, there’s definitely a mark he leaves that’s either creative, creepy, or in some rare cases, both. That’s not to say each of those products are in full top quality. Now I admit, not everything about the original Poltergeist has aged well, but with part of the script being helmed by Steven Speilberg, along with the late-Tobe Hooper’s direction, and there was still a fond connection with the family, even through the more traumatizing parts. And to their credit, Sam Rockwell, Rosemary DeWitt, and Jared Harris, do put out some interest in making this work. However, what ruins it is pretty much the rest of the movie, since those three that I listed are the only real highlights. Gil Kenan has shown previously with Monster House that he is capable of capturing that tone-in-cheek horror feel that seemed right in his path, but when you turn the tree monster into a CG mess, it just makes it come off like a weak video game cutscene. That, and he completely neglects the film’s original message about technology addiction (in the original’s case, it was television); way to completely drop the ball on what you could have accomplished. Much like with The Thing, this was somebody’s attempt to prove that they can make a work of art look better, but failing to grip the audience on what worked before.

#6: The Mummy (2017)

1. You remember when Tom Cruise was going to be Iron Man? Well, for the four people who wanted to see that happen...not gonna happen. In an era where movie franchises are becoming like tv shows thanks to Marvel and Harry Potter, Universal for the past two decades has been trying to kickstart a universe franchise of their own, but each time has ended in massive failure. The worst of these offenders was The Mummy, not only a remake of the original Boris Karloff movie, but a reboot of the Brendan Fraiser trilogy that this film tried to link itself to. The problem however is that the film doesn’t know what it wants to be; the tone flies around so much from being an adventure film, to a supernatural horror comedy (ripping off An American Werewolf in London, mind you), and by the time we’re introduced to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde as the Nick Fury character, I gave up. Why are you already building a universe, based on the foundation of a film about an evil Mummy taking over the world, that spends more time with Tom Cruise’s douchebag persona instead? And that’s another thing: Cruise is just the same annoying asshat we’ve seen him play before since the 80’s, but there’s no urgency, since his character is technically turned immortal by the Mummy; hitting him is about as effective as a Tom & Jerry gag. Alex Kurtzman, who previously worked on Star Trek, Transformers, and The Amazing Spiderman obviously wants his own franchise to compete with Marvel, but this was a terrible start. Had this been the third or fourth film in the series, I probably would have been easier on this.

#5: Hellboy (2019)

1. I think I made it abundantly clear in my review why I didn’t like this movie, so I’ll try not to repeat myself too much. Aside from making it look grizzlier, this reboot of the character doesn’t seem to figure out what tone it wants to go for. It wants to be a fun Deadpool wannabe, but at the same time, try and reconnect with Guillermo del Toro fans with the scary imagery coated with extra blood. The editing and transitioning are also terrible, jumping constantly from different locations and plot points; it’s trying to find every single cliche trope to keep whatever interest it has left with the audience (they go in search of Excalibur to help resurrect their friend...WHAT?!). Aside from David Harbour as Hellboy, this film has nothing redeeming to go off of; just go watch the first film on Netflix, you’ll have a better time with that.

#4: Black Christmas (2006)

1. From the people who brought you the remake of Willard, comes something MORE uncomfortable than Crispin Glover...or Epic Movie. Now in all seriousness, I was never much a fan of the original Bob Clark Black Christmas, as the story seemed a little too vague for me on most parts and some of the acting is a little substandard, aside from the late-great Margot Kidder; but as one of the earliest of the earliest incarnations of the slasher film genre, even being the main influence for John Carpenter’s Halloween. The idea of a remake seemed interesting since it has endless possibilities...and they chose the uncomfortable one. Despite carrying a cast that has young talent at the time like Lacey Chabert, Katie Cassidy, and Mary Elizabeth Winstead (who was later in The Thing), they’re only there to be the pretty bodies that get slain in the most tasteless manner, all while the mystery that was established in the original ends up getting spoiled by the thing that I hate the most about these types of remakes. It tries to go so far to shock people, even when they acknowledge the material they’re doing is downright disgusting: Crossbreeding, incest, rape, cannibalism by a child, it’s all beyond uncomfortable, brought to you by the demands of Harvey Weinstein of all people. Oh, and guess what? There’s ANOTHER remake coming out later this year, so...let’s hope Jason Blum’s isn’t AS shitty?

#3: Psycho (1998)

1. You knew this was going to be on here, and could you really blame me? If there has been one rule we’ve failed to learn with Psycho, it’s that trying to outdo Alfred Hitchcock is like trying to catch lightning in a bottle. His adaptation of Robert Bloch’s novel is one of the reasons Hitchcock was called “The Master of Suspense”. Being a step down from bigger budget films like North by Northwest, he was able to showcase how impactful he could be, with a smaller budget and team; the tension was top-notch, the performances (especially from Anthony Perkins as Norman Bates) are all hypnotically defining, and the turning point halfway through is one of the most iconic breakthroughs in cinema history. So the idea of trying to recreate that magic from a different director, was something Hollywood considered deeply taboo, especially after this film. I think the biggest problem was that the film was poorly marketed; this was an experimental film, but because of the big names attached, Universal (being the advertising whores they are) pushed this for a wider audience without realizing what they were doing. That, and prior to making this, Gus Van Sant had only been known for indie films, with his only flop being Even Cowgirls Get the Blues; the mainstream success he had with Good Will Hunting was one of the prime examples of the Oscar-curse (granted he didn’t win, but that’s beside the point). There was this bewilderment to his choice, but I took it as doing a performance of a famous play with a different cast...it’s just a shame the new cast wasn’t nearly as good. I mean, good for Anne Heche trying to make her own Marion Crane, but with the rest of the film being kept the same, it feels completely out of place, like she’s in a different time period. Viggo Mortensen and Julianne Moore are in the film, but don’t leave much of an impression on you like Vera Miles and John Gavin. And Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates...while not a bad choice, since he was still an up and coming young actor at the time, it really shows they didn’t know how to direct him. What’s even stranger is that this film developed a division between cinephiles, including a cult following that actually prefer this version, including Quentin Tarantino...but honestly, unless you’re someone who viciously hates black-and-white movies, I can’t understand any appeal this movie would have left.

#2: The Haunting (1999)

1. From the nearly scalped cinematographer for Roar, who later directed the Speed movies, this remake of the ‘63 Robert Wise film based on the novel by Shirley Jackson, retells of a group experiment in a haunted house in order to study the paranormal activity present. Why does this remake not work? For the same reasons Poltergeist (2015) and The Wicker Man (2006) didn’t work: a heavy reliance on CGI, all while taking away any of the original film’s meanings and atmosphere. What made Robert Wise’s film so enduring, was that it took its time to build up suspenseful moments and keep the audience guessing as much as our protagonist; it was not only a masterful work of horror, but one of the best early psychological thrillers. This remake throws most of that in the trash, and just gives us a cartoony looking haunted house flick, with some of the worst performances we’ve seen from a talented cast (most of them Oscar nominees). Originally, Wes Craven was intended to remake this, and it does make me wish how that would have turned out, but instead he opted to do Scream (1996), which was the right move. The worst part of the movie is the ending, when the spirits reveal themselves and come out, and we have that AWFULLY written speech Taylor has that stops them (think that scene in Stranger Things 2, when Will is screaming at the Mind Flayer, if an angry mob of parents wrote it); if that isn’t a contender for the most anti-climactic ending in a movie ever, I don’t know what is. I don’t know if this was in David Self’s original version of the script, before Michael Tokin stepped in for re-writes, but this clearly was not something to demonstrate his writing; thankfully, he found success with Thirteen Days and Road To Perdition, but this was an example of a really rough start.

#1: I Spit On Your Grave (2010)

1. This is a remake of the 1978 Meir Zarchi cult film, about a woman who seeks brutal revenge on her rapists. Now let me start off by saying, I’ve never seen the original, and I don’t think I ever will after sitting through this film. The beginning of this movie is just this woman be tortured for forty-five minutes by these rednecks, and it occasionally flashing back to those events as she’s hunting them down in the latter half. Much like The Haunting of Sharon Tate, there is no sense of real horror, but just the most uncomfortable parts of humanity that we don’t want to think about, and then tries to justify it in the end with the female lead taking charge. I get where some would find satisfaction in revenge, but that doesn’t give this movie the pass to show graphic snuff filmmaking, which is what this is! At the end of the day, nobody wins; this film is a waste of pure cinema, just like it’s predecessor (and unfortunately successors). If you want to watch a female led revenge story, there are plenty of other options to choose from: Kill Bill, The Brave One (2007), or even The Nightingale (2018), which I hear is an excellent period piece; just stay away from this piece of crap. It promotes violence against women, it promotes revenge by murder in the most uncomfortable way, and it just shows exactly how vile and hateful cinema can get. I have never felt more ashamed of myself as a human being for having viewed this filth. In fact, I’m going to take back everything I said about Jonah Hex (2010); THIS is the worst film of that year!

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Midsommar - 31 Nights of Horror Reviews Year 6

Midsommar is directed and written by Ari Aster, and stars Florence Pugh, Jack Reynor, William Jackson Harper, Vilhelm Blomgren, Ellora Torchia, Archie Madekwe, and Will Poulter. After tragedy strikes in her already depressed life, Dani is taken to Sweden with her boyfriend, Christian, who wants to break up, along with his friends pestering him to. Pelle, who invited them, brings them to his village, to celebrate the 90 Year Midsommar, where Dani discovers this village has a bright welcoming, but dark secrets that go beyond normal.

After last year’s Hereditary, which I dubbed a contender for the scariest film I’ve ever seen, Ari Aster became a filmmaker I was excited to see what would bring, especially in the horror genre. He’s been among the few directors (Jordan Peele, Jennifer Kent, Mike Flannigan) to recapture this hauntingly atmospheric horror style, that matches up with classics of the 60’s and 70’s. A24 typically has that one horror film that people are strongly divisive on, but this luckily had my praise with how grounded and realistic the circumstance was; and Toni Collette gave easily the best performance of the year, that even Aster called “bullshit” on her being snubbed.

When I saw the teaser poster for his new film, Midsommar, I became hauntingly intrigued, so much that I had to read an early draft of the script to mentally prepare myself (let’s say I figured out what the bear was for). Not to mention, but after taking a semester in Ingmar Bergman’s filmography, I learned that Sweden has a lot of rich material in their history and folklore that’s ripe for the horror genre. Aster has described the film as an adult Wizard of Oz, with other critics, such as the guys at Double Toasted, saying it also feels like The Wicker Man and Get Out; after coming out of the film, those elements combined surprisingly worked, and what I got was debatably my favorite horror film of the year (still have the rest of the year). You also want to know the best part? No jumpscares!

Throughout the film, you see a lot of pagan drawings on the walls and tarps in the village, and that’s even how the film opens; what’s clever is that it foreshadows the events that transpire, so that you’re subtly prepared for what transpires, despite it still having a horrific presence when you see it. The choice of camera angles and cuts are also quite strategic, such as conversations being shot-reverse shot, to having the angle go upside down to transition to another location and time, or the camera just holding on a group for a while at a distance; there’s also noticeable heat waves throughout that also play with both the audience and character’s perspective, keeping us guessing if all we’re seeing is happening or if they’re still on a long bad trip.

I also loved the idea of having nearly the entire film take place in sunlight, creating this new level of discomfort by allowing this to come off as natural; once again, paying tribute to 60’s and 70’s horror, such as Jaws and The Wicker Man. The original score by Bobby Krlic aka The Haxan Cloak, is deeply excellent, captures a perfectly haunting atmosphere; and the music also plays a great part in the film, half of it being diegetic by some of the villagers during the welcome ceremony and the multiple activities taking place.

That’s where I believe the village has its scariest feature, is when everyone shares in a victim’s misery; every time an execution is taking place or when someone is having a severe breakdown, others join in wailing with them, as if they’re souls are linked to one another. This becomes especially prominent during a scene in which Mark (Will Poulter) disturbs a sacred ritual, and is then stared down by that person through the rest of the film. But the most unsettling was in the third act, when this claustrophobic yet relieving mood comes from the maidens joining in Dani’s venting.

Florence Pugh is absolutely fantastic, delivering a performance on par with Toni Collette’s Annie; both have an obviously dying relationship with someone who’s fed up, yet are obligated to stay due to heavy loss of family and no one else to turn to. They’re at their most vulnerable when they share their need for empathy, not sympathy, something that Dani has the opposite with being with Christain; and Jack Reynor is great, selling the despicable boyfriend who obviously wants nothing to do with her anymore.

Midsommar is one of the most unique horror films this decade, and thankfully does everything right that I want in a horror film; no jumpscares, empathetic characters, a foreboding setting, and unique way to pay tribute to classic horror, while also bringing its own. Unlike most horror films that rely on sending a quick chill down my spine, this film brings out the atmospheric horror that we’ve been missing for a long time now. If you were disappointed with Hereditary, this might change your mind on the director.

Rating: A+

Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile - 31 Nights of Horror Reviews Year 6

Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil, and Vile is directed by Joe Berlinger, and is based on the true story of notorious serial killer Ted Bundy (Zac Efron), told through the perspective of Liz Kendall (Lily Collins). The film retells events from when Kendall and Bundy meet, up to the day she visits him before his prolonged execution in 1989, all while presenting the many times had escaped and been put on trial in three different states across the country.

Netflix has been sort of a serial killer vibe as of late; not only did they open this year with a documentary series on Ted Bundy’s crimes, but this past summer gave us the Bundy biopic they purchased at Sundance, as well as Mindhunter season 2, featuring Damian Harriman as Charles Manson (again). It was especially interesting, given that Berlinger helmed the documentary series as well, meaning there was passion and desire to make this film happen; even Netflix themselves were confident in it enough to push this to theatres, in the hopes of being in the awards circuit. In some ways, it kind of succeeds, but not quite to that level.

If there is one consensus that I agree with most everyone on, it’s Zac Efron; he is absolutely HAUNTING, and I’d say this is his best performance. The delivery he has, not only captures Ted Bundy, but you could swear it was him for a second; the antagonistic talking, the quick but careful choice of words through loopholing the system, he manages to slowly evolve into that master manipulator he would be known for, even towards his own girlfriends. One of the biggest complaints that were made about his casting was that it made Bundy too pretty, but that’s actually why it works so well; Bundy was notorious for having an hypnotic presence towards women, which is why it made it easy for him to commit as many kills and not get caught. The scenes of him and either Lily Collins or John Malkovich as the judge are easily the best, as he’s given the chance to both show more of his drama chops and his hamness in one go. It was a scarily accurate recreation of Bundy from what we’ve seen in interviews, and so far he’s been the biggest push as far as nominations go.

However, the biggest problem that a majority of people, myself included, have with this movie is that it’s too by the numbers. It doesn’t really go much further into what we already come to know from the documentary series, aside from getting some of Liz’s perspective. While Efron is entertaining to watch, the rest of the movie didn’t exactly seem to rise up anywhere close to him. Lily Collins is good, but it seemed like Efron was the one pushing her to strive more of this performance, looking between their scenes and hers with Haley Joel Osment as her lover after Ted. Dylan Baker, Jeffrey Donovan, and Jim Parsons are in it as well, but aside from the latter having more screentime, none of them left much of an impression on me. Heck, most of the film is on recreating the courtroom cases we’ve seen already.

It felt like Berlinger only wanted to adapt what HE thought was interesting to him or at least, what he thought was safe to represent without causing much backlash with the victims and their families, if they're still alive. What it covers is adapted fine, but it would have been interesting to dive more into Bundy’s life between trials a little bit more; his work as a political spy for the Republican party in '72, how he got caught living in the mountains after escaping Aspen, and just a little bit more of Ted and Liz’s relationship before his arrest would have been nice.

With both the docu-series and bio-pic being on Netflix, I would definitely recommend the series over the movie; I would only suggest watching this if you’re just now discovering who Ted Bundy is, since it is a quick two hours, or if you’re really curious to see Zac Efron as a darker role. There are some prominent highlights, especially with Efron’s performance as Bundy; whenever he shares the scene with Collins or Malkovich, that’s where he shines. Aside from that, there isn’t much new to discover from the Ted Bundy case that we haven’t seen.

Rating: C+

The Addams Family (2019) - 31 Nights of Horror Reviews Year 6

The Addams Family is the newest animated film, based on the comic strip by Charles Addams. The film focuses on newlyweds, Gomez and Morticia Addams (Oscar Isaac and Charlize Theron), moving into their new home in which they raise their family away from society. However, society comes to them, when Margaux Needler (Allison Janney) establishes a town underneath the creepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky family, and soon aims to do away with them and their weirdness.

Ever since the 1960’s with the release of the sitcom, The Addams Family has been a major part of Halloween for most kids. A family that finds normality in the obscene is what they’ve been known for, and throughout the years with each new interpretation. Of course, the version that people are most familiar with is the Barry Sonnenfield duology, which both do a great job of realizing these characters in that moment in time, but still keeping the tone and writing in tact. The first film was originally set to be helmed by Tim Burton, but the task ended up going to Sonnenfield, known at the time for his cinematography for Misery, and he did a fantastic job bringing the comic strip to life. I will admit, as much as I love the late-Raul Julia’s performance, Jon Astin’s Gomez is always going to be my Gomez.

They’ve also been no strangers to animation, being they’ve had two shows produced by Hanna-Barbara: one in the 70’s that spawned from an earlier crossover with The New Scooby-Doo Movies, and the other in the 90’s, which more people my age are more familiar with. An animated movie had been rumored for a while, with even Tim Burton planning to come back and do it as a stop-motion film, but it wasn’t until Conrad Vernon and Greg Tiernan were put in charge that things got rolling. This concerned me a bit, not because they previously made Sausage Party, but rather their method of how the film was getting done; let’s not forget, one of them was enforcing slave labor and blacklisting animators, without any overtime pay. It wasn’t until earlier in the year, when the Canadian government had this resolved, so now I was confident things were taken care of and there wasn’t any shady business.

For their first time in computer animation, the Addams look pretty good; I like how they’re designed closer to their original designs from the comic strip, including the extremely thin Morticia and pudgy Gomez. At times, the designs and extras can look a little too simple, but nothing out of place with the world. And with a budget that’s a fraction to what Pixar uses nowadays, they do make the most with their budget when it comes to the Addams. I was surprisingly pleased to see them recreate the original 60’s show’s intro, frame for frame. And while this is more child appropriate than Sausage Party, that’s not to say there aren’t any gags for adults, especially when you start to think about the villain’s resolve. My favorite gag was when Morticia blushes deep red, and a bat bites her neck, sucking her back to a pale tone; that’s clever.

Oscar Isaac and Charlize Theron have excellent chemistry together; whether in live action or animation, these two make a great Gomez and Morticia, right down to the French talk. Nick Kroll and Bette Midler were fine as Uncle Fester and Grandmama (even though with Kroll, all I could think was Coach Steve from Big Mouth). However, the scene stealer is Chloe Grace Moretz as Wednesday, the oldest Addams child; she nailed the mischievous and macabre presence that’s needed for the character, and always had me laughing whenever she was at school. I especially love the scene where she and her friend, Parker (Elsie Fisher), switch styles to freak their moms out (classic Wednesday)! The only one who’s voice didn’t seem to fit was Finn Wolfhard as Pugsley; I hate to sound like an ageist, but I thought he made him sound too old, for someone who’s supposed to sound like a ten-year old kid.

Where my biggest problems with the film truly lie are with the writing. I will admit, the first act with Gomez and Morticia’s wedding was the best part handled part of the movie, because after that, we head into REALLY cliche Saturday morning cartoon writing. The villain, Margeaux (Allison Janney), is this manipulative reality show host with a Napoleon complex, all to an Orwellian point that’s kind of disturbing...as if being reminded that a reality show host is spying on all of us wasn’t bad enough.

The dialogue and pacing also tend to jolt between being funny, then tediously annoying. Sometimes, there will be gags that either come out of nowhere or carry obvious animation errors that I noticed (such as arrows hitting Uncle Fester). I do respect the film trying to put out this message of conformity and freedom need a neutral balance in society, but it got so on the nose, that it really slowed the film down for me, and it’s not even 90 minutes. It also has some story arcs that you feel like get resolved pretty easily, despite how dire they’re made out to be, and that can get pretty disappointing on repeat. Also, things end up going back to the way they used to, which is VERY sitcom-y.

Overall, while The Addams Family (2019) isn’t a bad film, it’s definitely a disappointment for me. Despite the strong first act and most of the cast and animation, it just seemed like there wasn’t really much to do with these characters. There are some good sequences that make it worth a watch, but not enough to warrant a movie ticket, if you ask me.

Rating: C

Greta - 31 Nights of Horror Reviews Year 6

Greta is directed by Neil Jordan and co-written by him and Ray Wright, and is produced by Sidney Kimmel and Lawrence Bender. The movie tells of a young waitress, Frances (Chloe Grace Moretz), who after befriending a lonely French piano teacher, Greta (Isabelle Huppert), realizes that she’s a little more obsessive than she led on.

This plot isn’t hard to predict where it’s going, but what does interest me in how it’s executed. Neil Jordan’s a fine director and has made some thrilling works in the past (Interview with a Vampire, The Crying Game), so doing a stalker thriller seemed like a cakewalk for him to do...and this film definitely feels like he had that attitude. If you go into this with the mindset that this is a B grade thriller, you get a proper sense of enjoyment with this movie. The plot is pretty bare bones when it comes to twists, and that twisted mentality of Greta comparing herself to Frances’s mom is unsettling, but there isn’t much else that surprising that the script brings out. You know exactly the kinds of beats these types of films have, directed in a decent enough manner, but Jordan doesn’t really add a certain flare or style to make it seem unique. They even padd out the film with a fake-out dream sequence, that easily could have been cut from the movie entirely.

Chloe Grace Moretz and Isabelle Huppert are both great, and to me are the reason this film is watchable. Ever since she was nominated for Elle, I’ve been looking back at some of Huppert’s previous performances, including in Amour; as well as studying more of French cinema all together; the way her character is written and portrayed definitely has that essence leaning towards that more, which makes sense given that Jordan himself, while Irish, is also European. The moment she enters into the picture is when the movie truly begins. As you begin to see clues of her behavior that later come into play further on, you also see Frances start to pick up on those and put the pieces together on how crazy Greta is. It feels as though Huppert took this role as an exercise to possibly showcase her talents as a horror villain for any other big company; maybe someone like Jordan Peele or John Krasinski, maybe?

The downside of that is it barely leaves any room for the supporting cast to stand out, even for the friend, played by Maika Monroe, who ends up saving the day (not spoiling how), but I forgot she was in this after being absent for a while. The boss, the dad, the distant daughter of Greta, the PI played by Stephen Rea; all of them do fine, but the script doesn’t give them any chance to stand out.

It’s a shame, because I feel like this film could have been something, had there been a little more effort behind it. That’s the worst thing about a movie, when your audience for a movie is constantly thinking of things that could have made this work or stand out better. It’s a bare bones script with some top-notch acting from the leads; no special cinematography, no flashy edits, no disturbing twist like she eats children or something like that, just the basics. The only reason I would say to watch it is for Isabelle Huppert, but by the time she does get a horror villain role to play more to her talents, no one’s going to care about Greta.

Rating: C-

Hellboy (2019) - 31 Nights of Horror Reviews Year 6

Hellboy (2019) is the third live-action film in the franchise, this time directed by Neil Marshall, and stars David Harbour as the titular character, Milla Jovovich as the Blood Queen, Ian McShane, Sasha Lane, and Daniel Dae Kim. In this reboot of the film series, Hellboy learns that a former enemy is attempting to resurrect Nimue, the Blood Queen, by putting her body back together, and it’s up to him and his colleagues to save the world. Along this journey, he learns of his true origins and fate that the Queen hopes to complete for him.

Despite the cult following both the Guillermo del Toro movies had, the box office results weren’t enough to get another sequel, so plans for it got shelved for Lionsgate to give the go ahead on a reboot. It’s sad, because after winning Oscars for The Shape of Water, I think studios would have been on board with the project and it would have been a hit. Instead, Neil Marshall (The Descent) was hired to bring on an R-rated reboot, with David Harbour (Sheriff Hopper from Stranger Things) set to dawn the Right Hand of Doom, based on Mignola’s suggestion. It was also going to focus on a much younger Hellboy than the one we first saw in the del Toro movies.

So after eleven years (get it?) of waiting for a new cinematic adventure with the half-man, half-demon that’ll save us all, does this film live up to the del Toro films? Unfortunately, no; and you have to know, if a film is putting both you and your friends to sleep in the theatre, like what happened to me, that’s a bad sign.

Right off the bat, the opening flashback is edited like it was supposed to be a recap of a previous entry, when this is supposed to be a first installment; the rest of the movie has this wonky editing style too, and it makes the story feel rushed, but executed in a slow and dull manner. Aside from Hellboy’s make-up, the production and action scenes look absolutely terrible; that fight scene with the giants that you see in the trailer, the greenscreen looked so sloppy, and the camera work throughout it made it nauseating to keep track.

This movie's tone also the same problem Suicide Squad had, with trying to be like Deadpool and Guardians of the Galaxy, but it also tries to be a horror film by having all of these del Toro-like designs only twice the gore. I get they want to make this a gritty R-rated reboot, especially with Neil Marshall on board, but most of the gore they show is completely uncalled for. The worst of all is when Hellboy sees a closet of dead children, and they linger on that shot for a while; say what you will about del Toro’s movies being PG-13, but that didn’t need excessive gore to be violent. With how much blood and guts were spilling, I could have sworn this was originally intended for Netflix, where, ironically, you can watch the first del Toro movie RIGHT NOW.

David Harbour as Hellboy is one of the two good performances, but after watching this and season 3 of Stranger Things, I felt sorry for the guy. Apparently, there were rumors that he walked off set after heated fights with Neil Marshall, who was also clashing with the producer over final cut reigns; Harbour himself has been rumoured to have changed some of his lines to flow better, but I wish he could have reminded them that Hellboy is supposed to be fireproof, even against electricity. This isn’t the first time we’ve heard control stories, but considering this has been happening this year alone with this, Dark Phoenix, MIB International, and even back in 2015 with Fant4stic and Ant-Man to an extent, this has been foreshadowing that adaptations and franchises are becoming a really toxic business decision. Regardless, Harbour does his best, playing a more inexperienced Hellboy, keeping in tone that the character is a bit immature. He has a few funny lines here and there, but it’s a shame that he was wasted on such a mess of a film.

The other performance I liked was Lobster Johnson (Thomas Hayden Church), a character that inspired Hellboy to be a hero, and one Mignola promised fans was finally going to be in a movie after teasing us so much. Like Mysterio in the Spider-Man films, this was another character that Bruce Campbell was almost up for, even being Mignola and del Toro's first choice casting; there were even rumors of him voicing the character in some deleted content of the video games and a third direct-to-video animated Hellboy. And I also realized both Campbell and Church were in Spider-Man 3...finding a lot of weird connections lately. Still, Church is delightfully entertaining, despite his minimal screentime.

From that point on, the rest of the cast is meh. Milla Jovovich as the Blood Queen, Nimue, doesn’t really have much to bring, other than the “I’m evil, and I want the hero evil too” trope, while looking sexy, I guess. Much like with Resident Evil, Jovovich has nothing to really work with, either from the script or director; and considering the last film I liked her in was the first Zoolander, it just shows that a lot of her choices have not been giving her the best. Heck, the guy who brings her back, Gruagach (Stephen Graham and Douglas Tait), had more of an arc to work with, since his character already has some previously built history with Hellboy and another character that wants revenge, even in an end-credits scene. Ian McShane as Prof. Bruttenholm plays it like any other Ian McShane role, just more exposition heavy; he also has one bit in the climax, that’s the worst cgi effect in the whole movie...just why?

Sasha Lane and Daniel Dae Kim as Hellboy’s teammates are fine, but they’re kind of there when the plot needs them for specific roles. Brian Gleeson has an appearance as Merlin, because we haven’t had enough King Arthur movies recently. Doug Jones was asked to come back as Abe Sapien, but it completely retcons the character's history, just for the sake of doing a "Tune in next time..." kind of ending. Thankfully, Jones wasn't in this movie, and good on him.

This is one of the worst studio controlled films I’ve seen in a while, and it’s getting annoying that everyone is trying to make film universes, even to where Harbour was pissed that fans were expecting that; seriously, this shit is getting out of hand, and with how many are being pushed, it's becoming a big waste of money. It’s a shame, because now that the film tanked and plans for a sequel are through, I doubt David Harbour would even want to do another film adaptation like that again for a while. It’s hard to pinpoint who's to blame for this film, but I think everyone can agree that the only director so far to understand this series has been Guillermo del Toro. After this, expect the film rights to Hellboy to be up for grabs by a studio who might hopefully know what they’re doing.

Rating: F