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Baywatch (2017)

            Remember how I talked about “CHiPs,” and how it failed to replicate the charm of the “21 Jump Street” movies and reel in those audiences? You know, from its characters, to its style of humor, action, and story? Well, the same situation applies for the film adaptation of “Baywatch,” only much worse.

            Once again, I never watched the show “Baywatch,” nor did any of my family members even like the show. The only knowledge I had about was that it was a lifeguard show, known for having David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson run in slow-mo. That’s it. Hell, I think my generation only knows somewhat about “Baywatch” because Hasselhoff made an appearance in “The Spongebob Squarepants Movie.”

            Now when it comes to this “Baywatch” movie, I didn’t really expect much going into it. It simply looked like a dumb comedy with Zac Efron and Dwayne Johnson having a pissing contest with one another, all while trying to solve a crime with two sexy girls by their side. However, that doesn’t begin to scrap the horridness that is this movie. Remember how I said this does everything that “CHiPs” did, but worse? That’s an understatement. “Baywatch” is nothing but a tasteless drag of a comedy, that offers absolutely nothing to its audience. When is Hollywood going to realize that this trend of turning a show into an R rated comedy isn’t always going to be like “21 Jump Street,” and that they need to actually have effort put into it?

            So what’s this film about? A rich tycoon wants to turn the Bay into her own private beach to better handle a drug trafficking operation, and the lifeguards are on the case. In the midst of that, we have terrible joke after terrible joke, either revolving around making fun of the show’s slow-motion gimmicks, someone’s dick getting stuck in a bench, or Zac Efron trying to be a dumb showoff with nothing to show for it while Dwayne Johnson insults him every five seconds.

            Okay, recycled plot aside, there is possibility to make this work, even for the simplest and dumbest of plots. Sadly, Seth Gordon, the director of “Four Christmases” and “Identity Thief,” is the one taking over this train wreck, and we’re all stuck in the middle of it. Every plot line and every joke you can think of is done in such a cliché and low brow manner, that it does absolutely nothing interesting with itself to stand out. Hell, give Dax Shepard SOME credit with “CHiPs,” at least he had some jokes that were so out of nowhere that they got a few laughs out of me. Still a shitty movie, but better than what “Baywatch” attempts.

            The characters are also terribly written here, and you can tell that they’re there to be stereotypes. The obvious rich tycoon villain, played by Priyanka Chopra; Yahya Abdul-Mateen as the cop who doesn’t trust our heroes; the boss, played by Rob Huebel, who is in cahoots with the villain; even Hannibal Buress as one of the locals; they’re all completely underused for such stock characters. As for the Baywatch team themselves, let’s talk about them.

Alexandra Daddario, Ilfenesh Hadera, and Kelly Rohrbach are pretty much there to be useless, eye candy, love interests. Almost all of their scenes consist of them in sexually appealing camera shots, but not doing anything that’s relevant to the plot, other than motivate and save the dumbasses on their team. Although, Daddario and Hadera are wasted more, since they can actually act and work off of others. Rohrbach is absolutely horrendous. I get that her character is only there to be eye candy, the same way Pamela Anderson was, but there’s a fucking limit. All she’s there to do is be the love interest for the fat nerd, and that’s it. She doesn’t do anything, she’s not interesting, and she could have easily been written out of the movie, since nothing would change.

Dwayne Johnson as Mitch Buchannon is absolutely annoying. Sure, he’s played worse characters, but at the very least he’s able to add somewhat of a charm to them. Hell, even in films like “Hercules” and “Tooth Fairy,” he was more likable in those. Here, I got tired of this guy’s after about five minutes. Sure, he’s regarded as a hero to the locals of the bay, but even then I found this guy to be one of the least interesting characters in the film, with his only real shtick being a thorn in Zac Efron’s side and making terrible jokes. The worst joke that he makes in the film by far is where he dumps a dirty diaper hamper onto a guy's head and pushes him into a pool, saying "Bath time, shit head." I actually booed out loud at that joke, it was that bad.

            However, none of it compares to Zac Efron as Matt Brody. Much like Johnson, Efron can be a really good comedic actor, if given the right material. I loved the “Neighbors” movies, and even films like “Dirty Grandpa” and “Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates,” the latter being one of my favorite comedies of last year. He has extremely good comedic delivery, even if the line can be really simple or complete crap. In this film, his character is written so badly, that I couldn’t help but find him revolting to sit through every time he showed up. He’s always this smug washed up douche that can’t seem to function properly as a human being, even at times when he’s trying to make up for being an asshole.

            The chemistry between Johnson and Efron is so bad, that you don’t end up rooting for any of them, and I feel bad that I have to say that. If the script had written them to be a little bit more like actual people, rather than force in this douchebag behavior they throw toward each other, then it might have been a little easy to do so. But no, we constantly get these two being dicks to each other, and not once does it ever garner a laugh.

            Overall, “Baywatch” is the worst film that I’ve seen so far this year. Even if you’re a fan of any of these actors, which I am, you’ll end up regretting giving them a chance after sitting through fifteen minutes of this. The characters are stock, the acting is below tolerable, the action is terrible, and the writing is absolutely abysmal. I hated this movie, and I hope that it doesn’t garner a sequel. I mean, it's opening up against “Pirates of the Caribbean 5,” I might get lucky.

Rating: 1/10

Life, The Wall, Snatched, and Baywatch

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Carlos's Thoughts on Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

            If you’re a long time reader of my blog, or if you know me personally, you would know that I LOVE “Guardians of the Galaxy!” How much do I love it? Well, it was pretty much among my top 5 favorite movies of 2014, in what was already a great year for Marvel movies. But what set “Guardians of the Galaxy” apart from the other films that year, or any comic book movie for that matter, was that it was a film that knew to have fun with itself. From its central characters, to its space opera setting, to its action scenes, and even its soundtrack. While I may have been half and half with his work as a writer, James Gunn proved that he can make the best of projects when he’s at the helm 100%. It was like seeing this epic homage to the old adventure films of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, where the biggest concern they had was whether or not yo u were having a fun time. To me at the time, it was my favorite film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

            When it was announced that they were doing a sequel to “Guardians,” you bet your ass I was pumped for it. However, I did have some concern going into it. For one, after the first “Guardians of the Galaxy,” the other Marvel films following were turning out…well, disappointing. “Avengers: Age of Ultron” had a relatively weak narrative and felt manufactured, “Captain America: Civil War” and “Doctor Strange” had terrible villains, and “Ant-Man” was…look, when you kick Edgar Wright in exchange for Peyton Reed, you’re in a bad spot. Not only that, but I’ve had this theory that when it comes to comic book films released during a “7” year, it’s kind of bad luck. 1987: “Superman 4.” 1997: “Batman & Robin” and “Steel.” 2007: “Ghost Rider,” “Fantastic Four 2,” and “Spiderman 3.” Although to be fair, “Logan” and “The LEGO Batman Movie” did surprise me a bit, but don’t get too comfy; we still have “Wonder Woman” and “Spiderman Homecoming” to still prove me right. Also, after seeing the last film James Gunn wrote for, “The Belko Experiment,” my expectations were brought lower.

            This leads us to the long awaited sequel, “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.” After their victory over Ronan and finishing a job for the Sovereign race, who then hunt them down for treason, the Guardians find themselves in the presence of Ego, a Celestial and Peter Quill’s father. Agreeing to spend time with him, Peter, Gamora, and Drax take off with Ego, splitting off from Rocket and Groot for a while, embarking in another fun adventure. Much like the previous film, “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2” maintains that sense of fun that the first film had, but they add in a superior villain, stronger visuals, better chemistry between our heroes, funnier jokes, and a compelling story about identity, family, morality, and trust.

            Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, and Dave Bautista are all equally as good, if not better, than when they were in the first film, as Peter Quill (aka Star-Lord), Gamora, and Drax. They’ve gone from being close to cutting each other’s heads off (mostly Gamora and Drax), to being a team that is highly dependent and concerned about the other’s lives, physically and emotionally. Pratt and Saldana especially do great, building up more of the romance their characters have, but not to a point where it becomes forced in like they did with some of the MCU’s previous films. To me, the relationship between Peter and Gamora is one of the best on-screen romances that any comic book film has done since “The Amazing Spiderman” films. You see them build off of each other, learn each other’s quirks, bicker about their problems in a believable manner, and they don’t rush it. Fuck Joker and Harley Quinn; people should want a Star-Lord and Gamora romance!

            That’s not to say that Bautista doesn’t get some great chemistry too. His screen time is shared very nicely with Pom Klementieff, who plays Ego’s assistant, Mantis. Aside from being a bit more skittish, Mantis and Drax have a lot of common in terms of how they’re not as sociably strong as people would deem them to be, but they still make these two likable characters you root for. Hell, they’ve both managed to be good role models for children with autism, and that’s pretty damn cool.

            Bradely Cooper and Vin Diesel as Rocket and Baby Groot are just as enjoyable, but their scenes shine the best when they’re with Yondu, played once again by Michael Rooker. I loved how they give Yondu a stronger role in this film, diving more into his backstory and history with the Ravagers and Peter. And he has easily the best scene in the whole movie, where he, Rocket, and Baby Groot revolt and escape, while the song “Come A Little Bit Closer” by Jay and the Americans is playing. All I got to say is, I want Yondu’s arrow. One of the best weapons in the Marvel Universe. Sean Gunn as Kraglin, Yondu’s closest ally, also has a better supporting role in the film, questioning a lot about his Captain’s standards, but still trying to maintain a sense of loyalty to who he’s grown to over time. Karen Gillian returns as Nebula, and I loved how they went in deeper with her relationship with Gamora, which got pretty heartbreaking throughout the film. I don’t want to give spoilers away, but if you’re a sibling, this will tug at your heartstrings.

            Now we come to one of the biggest things to talk about with this movie, and that’s Kurt Russell as Ego. I mean, what can I say? Every time this guy is on screen, whether it’d be with Peter or any of the other Guardians, he’s just so charismatic, funny, and unpredictable that you can’t help but keep your eyes on him, thinking about what he’ll say next.

            The only complaints I have with the casting were minor, but they did make me a little disappointed. One was with Sylvester Stallone as Stakar, Yondu’s former leader. Don’t get me wrong, Stallone is great in the film…but I just wished he was in the film more. I mean, it’s the first film Stallone and Kurt Russell have been in together since “Tango & Cash,” and they don’t have one scene together? Man, did you miss an opportunity there. My other complaint is with Nathan Fillion, who ultimately got cut from the film entirely. Come on, first he’s given a small voice cameo in the first film, and now he gets cut from the sequel? No fair…

            A major thing that people have discussed is how this film isn’t as good as the first film, saying it doesn’t flow as well as the first film, it has too much humor, or was unnecessary because it didn’t build up to “Infinity War.” I get where they would be coming from…but I 100% disagree. I felt like the flow of the film didn’t really diminish from the quality of the film as much as people say it did, and felt like it flowed nicely like a proper continuation of the first film, as a sequel should. As for the humor, yeah, there are more jokes in this film than most of Marvel’s other properties, but that doesn’t mean it has a good emotional tone to balance it out, especially in the third act. And as for it not building up to “Infinity War,” let me ask this: How many of the films in the MCU’s Phase 2 built up to “Age of Ultron?” The answer: none of them. Even with “Captain America: The Winter Soldier” having a plot revolving around S.H.I.E.D. being compromised, none of the films in Phase 2 built up to “Age of Ultron,” but instead were building up to “Civil War.” Also, building up to future films is what people hated about “Iron Man 2” and “Age of Ultron.” Hell, it was the main reason why Joss Whedon was unhappy with “Age of Ultron,” and why Edgar Wright got fired from “Ant-Man” because they didn’t want to do that. What both “Guardians of the Galaxy” movies focused on was making good movies that stand on their own. So what if they don’t reference the other MCU movies? Who gives a shit? And personally, it’s one of the major reasons why I prefer “Guardians of the Galaxy” and “Vol. 2” over any of the other MCU movies.

            Overall, what else can I say about “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2?” It does everything the first film did right, but adds more to it. It’s fun, it’s hilarious, it’s emotional, and it’s very exciting. While it stands shoulder-to-shoulder with the first film, I would go as far as to say I like this a little bit more, meaning it has the title of being my new favorite film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I’ve seen the film three times in theaters already, I got a poster for the film all framed up, and I’m looking forward to its blu-ray release! If you haven’t seen it yet, get on over to your local movie theater, and have a galactic good time!

Rating: 10/10

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