You guys remember “Jumanji?” That quirky 90's Robin Williams film about the board game that came to life? I do. It was a fun and exciting film, with some neat special effects for its time, good characters, and was one of the landmarks for director Joe Johnston. Needless to say, it's a classic film to watch, and you should go watch it if you haven't yet.
All those things “Jumanji” has,
are all the things that “Ouija” doesn't, because “Ouija” is A
TERRIBLE FUCKING MOVIE! Not beating around the bush here people! This
new film from Platinum Dunes and Hasbro was shit! I couldn't believe
how nonsensical and stupid this film was, even after knowing this was
a dumb idea to begin with!...Yeah, I didn't like this movie.
The film tells of this girl, whose
friend hung herself, so she and the rest of her friends try to talk
to her through a Ouija board in her home. However it turns out that
the house was built on a graveyard, and so they've summoned up a
ghost that is the same one that killed the friend in the beginning.
Bullshit happens, twist happens, they win, then another twist
happens.
Out of all the films to come from
either Platinum Dunes or Hasbro, it is the worst on both sides.
“Battleship” and the remake of “A Nightmare on Elm Street”
were smarter than this film. I actually feel bad for talking bad
about “Annabelle,” because that film is “The Exorcist”
compared to this film. Nothing makes sense, the acting is lousy, the
script is ludicrous, and...you know what? With how much stupidity is
in this film, I need to list some of the things wrong with this film
from the ending. Spoiler alert, so be warned...actually, don't be
warned, because this movie is so stupid it wouldn't matter.
When they first play the Ouija
board, they contact the same ghost that the hung girl conjured. Soon
enough, each of the friends start dying off one by one. They find out
that the conjured ghost was an insane mother who sacrificed her
daughter for some reason, and the surviving child has been in a
mental ward, which happens to be in the same town (convenient). She
tells them to cut the sewn parts of the ghost daughter's corpse off
to free them of the mother, which they do. However, shock of all
shocks, the daughter was the one killing people the whole time and
now she's free. So they defeat her by burning the body AND the board
at the same time, but the board reappears and the main girl is
possessed.
Okay, a few questions here: If
the ghost mother was trying to warn them, who was killing the kids
beforehand? How could the daughter kill if she could only be freed by
cutting open her sewn mouth? Why didn't the mother just say, “get
out now! My ghost daughter is evil and shit!” instead of
jump-scaring them? Why did the ghost daughter have to go over to
someone using the Ouija board, instead of just killing someone in
their chance immediately? And for that matter, what was the point of
the fucking Ouija board?! Seriously, what purpose did it have aside
from summoning the ghosts?! Or how about a better question: WHAT WAS
THE POINT OF THIS MOVIE?!?!?
*sigh*...I can't take this anymore.
Screw this movie, screw Platinum Dunes, and fuck 2014. November,
please help redeem this year with “Big Hero 6,” “Interstellar,”
and “Mocking Jay Part 1.” Or at the very least, LET “BIRDMAN”
BE RELEASED WIDER BY THEN! Seriously, I really want to see “Birdman!
Rating: 1/10
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