Now how some of these choices are made, depend on how it was adapted from its previous source material, what they tried and failed at doing different, and how it overall holds up as its own piece of media...as a reminder to why it should have never existed to begin with.
Also, I do have one honorable mention that I would like to address:
A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)
As shocking as it may seem, this was the closest that a Platinum Dunes movie got to making it onto the list. Looking back on the films I DID watch from that studio, this was the worst the remakes had gotten, but due to one entry I saw this year, it got bumpbed off. But let me rundown what worked and what didn't.
- What worked:
- Jackie Earl Haley was a good choice for Freddy
- Some kills were directed alright, at best
- Cinematography was okay
- Clancy Brown is in it
- if you don't like Clancy Brown, you're doing yourself a disservice
- What sucked:
- Most of the protagonists
- Rooney Mara almost quit acting doing this movie
- Dialogue is awul
- Freddy's face looks like a zombie than a burned victim
- CGI is distracting
- Rest of the kills are uninspired or taken from better films
Okay, now that THAT'S out of the way, let's get to the real list!
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#10: The Wicker Man (2006)
- Have you ever asked yourself at what point Nicholas Cage stopped taking his career seriously? Often this film is referred to as the starting point of his downfall; and considering he was also a producer for this, doesn’t help either. Based on the 1973 British horror classic of the same name, this version once again follows a policeman investigating the disappearance of a little girl, in this case is his daughter. The biggest problem this movie has is that it doesn’t know how to build suspense; from the beginning, we get this “cult island” vibe that never tries to hide it’s evil intentions (half the time, I think it’s trying to make the protagonist dumb, with the kind of dialogue he has). There’s also a heavy reliance on dream sequences and jump scares, to where it just gets tiresome and predictable, and with how poor the editing is, it only makes the film feel longer than it needs to. That, and the film gets unquestionably misogynistic, but considering this is was directed by Neil LaBute and was aware of the kind of body of work he’s done prior, it doesn’t seem as surprising. The film was even despised by the original film’s director, Robin Hardy, who was threatening to sue for having his name associated with it; even Christopher Lee, one of the stars of the original, was questioning what the point of remaking this was. So with everything said, why isn’t this film higher up? While I agree this film is awful in almost every sense, it comes across as unintentionally funny; I’m dead serious when I say this is the only film on this list that I would recommend to people out of curiosity, if and only to see Nicholas Cage run in a bear suit and punch people (why did you want that?). Also, need we forget...the BEES?!
#9: The Thing (2011)
- This is a prime example of what happens when some people try to outdo John Carpenter; and while either Rob Zombie’s Halloween (2007) or Rupert Wainwright The Fog (2005) could have been put here, this movie makes the list because of how excellent its predecessor was. If you remember last year, I had put John Carpenter’s 1982 remake of The Thing From Another World (based on the John W. Campbell novel, Who Goes There?) at the #1 spot for the best horror remake ever made. While Christian Nyby’s film certainly has a place in history, especially for its iconic phrase “Keep watching the skies”, John Carpenter took it to the next level, not only creating a closer adaptation, but pushing the limitations of what gore could be brought to at the time. Not only that, but with a cast consisting of greats like Kurt Russell, Keith David, David Clennon, and Wilford Brimley, you had a lot of memorable actors assembled together and who all each had stand out moments. This remake, as a supposed “prequel” to the 1982 film, we follow the same premise of a team of scientists in the arctic, investigating a station in which they thaw out a hibernating alien. Once unleashed, it becomes a guessing game of who the real alien is. Aside from Mary Elizabeth Winstead, who does a fairly decent job at being the team leader, this cast just doesn’t live up to others. Sure, Joel Edgerton and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje are trying to make this work, but with the script just doesn’t seem to engage me as much as it’s supposed to. It’s weird, because this writer, Eric Heisserer, would later go on to write the scripts for Lights Out (2016) and Arrival (2016), the latter being one of the best science fiction films of this decade. To make matters worse, despite the fact that one of the reasons John Carpenter’s The Thing worked was because it had practical effects (IT WAS THERE), we ended up with a CGI looking mess. I don’t put that on the fault of the director, Matthijs van Heijningen Jr, as he did intentionally film with practical effects originally; it was mostly the studio twisting his arm on the decision. It’s a shame, because had there not been so much mandating and hawkeyes, this could have been a somewhat decent movie; heck, had this film not killed the director’s career, he probably would have been making something really interesting. Leave it to Universal to not trust their crew (won’t be the first time you hear from them).
#8: House of Wax (2005)
- I don’t know whose idea it was to expose Paris Hilton to the celebrity world, but whoever did, I wish you no good will...ever. Much like The Thing, this is yet another remake of a movie that was already remade, but apparently Jaume Collet-Serra didn’t get the memo to NEVER TOUCH A VINCENT PRICE MOVIE! That was the major thing that made the 1953 film so strong was the lead performance by Vincent Price; his character, Prof. Jarrod, was a brilliant artist, broken and driven mad, willing to break the laws of God if he wanted to ever recapture what he had lost. However, instead of a thriller that has a villain with an understood motive, we’re instead treated to the most generic slasher film this side of Crystal Lake, with the villain being another silent killer that looks like Tommy Wiseau. There’s no suspense, there’s no intriguing mystery, and the scares they throw are just lousy jump scares and gore effects that add to nothing. Now you understand why this director decided to go do action movies after instead; at least Liam Neeson makes him money...sometimes.
#7: Poltergeist (2015)
- The horror genre had always been Sam Raimi’s bread and butter, and even when he’s only producing, there’s definitely a mark he leaves that’s either creative, creepy, or in some rare cases, both. That’s not to say each of those products are in full top quality. Now I admit, not everything about the original Poltergeist has aged well, but with part of the script being helmed by Steven Speilberg, along with the late-Tobe Hooper’s direction, and there was still a fond connection with the family, even through the more traumatizing parts. And to their credit, Sam Rockwell, Rosemary DeWitt, and Jared Harris, do put out some interest in making this work. However, what ruins it is pretty much the rest of the movie, since those three that I listed are the only real highlights. Gil Kenan has shown previously with Monster House that he is capable of capturing that tone-in-cheek horror feel that seemed right in his path, but when you turn the tree monster into a CG mess, it just makes it come off like a weak video game cutscene. That, and he completely neglects the film’s original message about technology addiction (in the original’s case, it was television); way to completely drop the ball on what you could have accomplished. Much like with The Thing, this was somebody’s attempt to prove that they can make a work of art look better, but failing to grip the audience on what worked before.
#6: The Mummy (2017)
- You remember when Tom Cruise was going to be Iron Man? Well, for the four people who wanted to see that happen...not gonna happen. In an era where movie franchises are becoming like tv shows thanks to Marvel and Harry Potter, Universal for the past two decades has been trying to kickstart a universe franchise of their own, but each time has ended in massive failure. The worst of these offenders was The Mummy, not only a remake of the original Boris Karloff movie, but a reboot of the Brendan Fraiser trilogy that this film tried to link itself to. The problem however is that the film doesn’t know what it wants to be; the tone flies around so much from being an adventure film, to a supernatural horror comedy (ripping off An American Werewolf in London, mind you), and by the time we’re introduced to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde as the Nick Fury character, I gave up. Why are you already building a universe, based on the foundation of a film about an evil Mummy taking over the world, that spends more time with Tom Cruise’s douchebag persona instead? And that’s another thing: Cruise is just the same annoying asshat we’ve seen him play before since the 80’s, but there’s no urgency, since his character is technically turned immortal by the Mummy; hitting him is about as effective as a Tom & Jerry gag. Alex Kurtzman, who previously worked on Star Trek, Transformers, and The Amazing Spiderman obviously wants his own franchise to compete with Marvel, but this was a terrible start. Had this been the third or fourth film in the series, I probably would have been easier on this.
#5: Hellboy (2019)
- I think I made it abundantly clear in my review why I didn’t like this movie, so I’ll try not to repeat myself too much. Aside from making it look grizzlier, this reboot of the character doesn’t seem to figure out what tone it wants to go for. It wants to be a fun Deadpool wannabe, but at the same time, try and reconnect with Guillermo del Toro fans with the scary imagery coated with extra blood. The editing and transitioning are also terrible, jumping constantly from different locations and plot points; it’s trying to find every single cliche trope to keep whatever interest it has left with the audience (they go in search of Excalibur to help resurrect their friend...WHAT?!). Aside from David Harbour as Hellboy, this film has nothing redeeming to go off of; just go watch the first film on Netflix, you’ll have a better time with that.
#4: Black Christmas (2006)
- From the people who brought you the remake of Willard, comes something MORE uncomfortable than Crispin Glover...or Epic Movie. Now in all seriousness, I was never much a fan of the original Bob Clark Black Christmas, as the story seemed a little too vague for me on most parts and some of the acting is a little substandard, aside from the late-great Margot Kidder; but as one of the earliest of the earliest incarnations of the slasher film genre, even being the main influence for John Carpenter’s Halloween. The idea of a remake seemed interesting since it has endless possibilities...and they chose the uncomfortable one. Despite carrying a cast that has young talent at the time like Lacey Chabert, Katie Cassidy, and Mary Elizabeth Winstead (who was later in The Thing), they’re only there to be the pretty bodies that get slain in the most tasteless manner, all while the mystery that was established in the original ends up getting spoiled by the thing that I hate the most about these types of remakes. It tries to go so far to shock people, even when they acknowledge the material they’re doing is downright disgusting: Crossbreeding, incest, rape, cannibalism by a child, it’s all beyond uncomfortable, brought to you by the demands of Harvey Weinstein of all people. Oh, and guess what? There’s ANOTHER remake coming out later this year, so...let’s hope Jason Blum’s isn’t AS shitty?
#3: Psycho (1998)
- You knew this was going to be on here, and could you really blame me? If there has been one rule we’ve failed to learn with Psycho, it’s that trying to outdo Alfred Hitchcock is like trying to catch lightning in a bottle. His adaptation of Robert Bloch’s novel is one of the reasons Hitchcock was called “The Master of Suspense”. Being a step down from bigger budget films like North by Northwest, he was able to showcase how impactful he could be, with a smaller budget and team; the tension was top-notch, the performances (especially from Anthony Perkins as Norman Bates) are all hypnotically defining, and the turning point halfway through is one of the most iconic breakthroughs in cinema history. So the idea of trying to recreate that magic from a different director, was something Hollywood considered deeply taboo, especially after this film. I think the biggest problem was that the film was poorly marketed; this was an experimental film, but because of the big names attached, Universal (being the advertising whores they are) pushed this for a wider audience without realizing what they were doing. That, and prior to making this, Gus Van Sant had only been known for indie films, with his only flop being Even Cowgirls Get the Blues; the mainstream success he had with Good Will Hunting was one of the prime examples of the Oscar-curse (granted he didn’t win, but that’s beside the point). There was this bewilderment to his choice, but I took it as doing a performance of a famous play with a different cast...it’s just a shame the new cast wasn’t nearly as good. I mean, good for Anne Heche trying to make her own Marion Crane, but with the rest of the film being kept the same, it feels completely out of place, like she’s in a different time period. Viggo Mortensen and Julianne Moore are in the film, but don’t leave much of an impression on you like Vera Miles and John Gavin. And Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates...while not a bad choice, since he was still an up and coming young actor at the time, it really shows they didn’t know how to direct him. What’s even stranger is that this film developed a division between cinephiles, including a cult following that actually prefer this version, including Quentin Tarantino...but honestly, unless you’re someone who viciously hates black-and-white movies, I can’t understand any appeal this movie would have left.
#2: The Haunting (1999)
- From the nearly scalped cinematographer for Roar, who later directed the Speed movies, this remake of the ‘63 Robert Wise film based on the novel by Shirley Jackson, retells of a group experiment in a haunted house in order to study the paranormal activity present. Why does this remake not work? For the same reasons Poltergeist (2015) and The Wicker Man (2006) didn’t work: a heavy reliance on CGI, all while taking away any of the original film’s meanings and atmosphere. What made Robert Wise’s film so enduring, was that it took its time to build up suspenseful moments and keep the audience guessing as much as our protagonist; it was not only a masterful work of horror, but one of the best early psychological thrillers. This remake throws most of that in the trash, and just gives us a cartoony looking haunted house flick, with some of the worst performances we’ve seen from a talented cast (most of them Oscar nominees). Originally, Wes Craven was intended to remake this, and it does make me wish how that would have turned out, but instead he opted to do Scream (1996), which was the right move. The worst part of the movie is the ending, when the spirits reveal themselves and come out, and we have that AWFULLY written speech Taylor has that stops them (think that scene in Stranger Things 2, when Will is screaming at the Mind Flayer, if an angry mob of parents wrote it); if that isn’t a contender for the most anti-climactic ending in a movie ever, I don’t know what is. I don’t know if this was in David Self’s original version of the script, before Michael Tokin stepped in for re-writes, but this clearly was not something to demonstrate his writing; thankfully, he found success with Thirteen Days and Road To Perdition, but this was an example of a really rough start.
#1: I Spit On Your Grave (2010)
- This is a remake of the 1978 Meir Zarchi cult film, about a woman who seeks brutal revenge on her rapists. Now let me start off by saying, I’ve never seen the original, and I don’t think I ever will after sitting through this film. The beginning of this movie is just this woman be tortured for forty-five minutes by these rednecks, and it occasionally flashing back to those events as she’s hunting them down in the latter half. Much like The Haunting of Sharon Tate, there is no sense of real horror, but just the most uncomfortable parts of humanity that we don’t want to think about, and then tries to justify it in the end with the female lead taking charge. I get where some would find satisfaction in revenge, but that doesn’t give this movie the pass to show graphic snuff filmmaking, which is what this is! At the end of the day, nobody wins; this film is a waste of pure cinema, just like it’s predecessor (and unfortunately successors). If you want to watch a female led revenge story, there are plenty of other options to choose from: Kill Bill, The Brave One (2007), or even The Nightingale (2018), which I hear is an excellent period piece; just stay away from this piece of crap. It promotes violence against women, it promotes revenge by murder in the most uncomfortable way, and it just shows exactly how vile and hateful cinema can get. I have never felt more ashamed of myself as a human being for having viewed this filth. In fact, I’m going to take back everything I said about Jonah Hex (2010); THIS is the worst film of that year!
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