Welcome back, once again, to another year of Halloween horror movie reviews! With this being the 6th year I’ve made it a month dedicated to horror and horror themed reviews, and with the end of the decade coming very soon, I figured I’d put my graduated ass to work, and give you all a month to truly celebrate. Which is why, maybe not everyday, but for the month of October, I’m going to be giving out 31 Horror movie reviews, with the inclusion of a few Top 10 Lists in the beginning, middle, and end of the month. We’re starting with the worst, and here are the rules I’m going by with my choices:
- One Film Per Year
- I want to include each year of the decade, so I’m taking the worst horror film I saw that year, and putting it as its representative.
- No Remakes or Sequels
- With the exception of one entry, this list is hyper focused on the singular horror films, rather than any second chances with the same property. Which means, no Paranormal Activity films on here. I’ve got a whole other list on the worst remakes coming soon, as a way to counteract my best remakes list from last year.
- How Offensive Is it?
- Horror films usually tend to push the limits of their audiences’ tolerability, but if it doesn’t end up benefiting the story in anyway, what was the point of even doing said action?
With that said, let’s get started!
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10. Ouija (2014) - After a string of critical flops with their remakes, Platinum Dunes decided to team up with the then-upcoming BlumHouse Productions to make some “original” horror films. If you’ve only seen the prequel, Origin of Evil without seeing the first film...keep it that way. Why? Because the first film is every example of how not only how to make a bad horror film, but how to crank it up to a level of annoyance. Seriously, the amount of jumpscares in this movie and how frequent they pop up, meant that I had loud noise blasted in my ears on a continuous streak. On top of that, the film doesn’t establish any rules and decides to make stuff up as it goes along, which seems to be a running safety net for bad BlumHouse films. This is why I had such high praise to the prequel, because it not only filled in the questions I had with the first movie, but also gave us endearing characters that you grew to care for overtime, in what acts as a throwback to 60’s horror films. The first one jumps from one ghost being the villain, only for the ghost they freed to be even worse, but then why was the first ghost killing to begin with? And by the end, it doesn’t even matter who gets away scot free, because these characters are just as stock and generic as any other high school horror film like Truth or Dare? or Wish Upon; it’s a rough start, but it’s a start that should have happened over a decade ago.
9. Slender Man (2018) - Creepypastas are something I don't find quite as scary as I used to (growing up sucks, doesn't it?). But even if I don't get much chill from them anymore, these internet Urban legends do make for some fun entertainment. It makes sense to make a film about the Slender Man, the only problem is nobody really asked for it, at least not after the Milwaukee incident. I go into more detail about this in my review of the movie earlier this year, with the only exception to it being, it has gotten worse the more I think about it. Considering the amount of censoring they had to do just to get Sony to release it, you end up with an oddly paced movie that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, especially by the ending where they pretty much gave up and stopped the movie. And while there are a couple good looking scenes and shots, as well as Javier Botet giving Slendy some unsettling movements and presence, he’s only given a total of three minutes of screen time. Had there been any true desire to make Slender Man movie, we probably had something that stood apart from the crowd, but after this and seeing how the Milwaukee incident in still in people’s minds, I think it’s best to forget about another.
8. My Soul to Take (2010) - As much as we’d all want to believe the late-Wes Craven was this perfect horror god with Scream and A Nightmare on Elm Street (the remake of that release the same year as this film), it’s easy to forget his weaker films were...well, forgettable is one way to put it. On the anniversary of a serial killer’s death, seven teens who were born on the same day, start dying off, believing one of them is the killer, resurrected for revenge. While the concept is intriguing, yet slightly tiring, surely someone like Craven could have done something creative with it, right? No. Unlike Craven’s more acclaimed work, the new talent he introduces as the leads are really boring and stale. The killer also ends up being revealed to be part demon with an ability to body-hop, but by that point, I’ve already checked out by how dull this was. Even with the post-converted 3D effects, it just makes the film look cheap and blurry. It’s a shame, because had it not been for Scream 4, this would have been Wes Craven’s last movie, and he has said on the record that he was proud of it. Guess sometimes, even the greats have their egos.
7. The Roommate (2011) - Ever since the early 90’s, it feels like studios are always trying to put out the next big Fatal Attraction or Single White Female; you know, a somewhat normal person with a dark past is tormented by her new friend/neighbor who is even crazier, making the protagonist face her fears? They’re so repetitive in terms of concept, that it took until A Simple Favor for someone to change it up a bit...but before that, there was The Roommate, which despite WANTING to be revolutionary, ends up being cliche and BORING...but I wish that was where it ended. Leighton Meester as the stalker is awful, and I mean in both writing and her performance overall. I get that she’s trying to pay the psycho introvert that stopped taking her meds, but the way she comes off is either too much or it’ll come out of nowhere; they make her seem so paranoid about who calls her what, that she’ll even go creepy when her character, Rebecca, is offered a nickname. Minka Kelly as the main girl isn’t any better herself, and with the similarities between the two playing a part in the story, it made a lot of her decisions to be super obvious that when she decides to go AGAINST the smart thing, it makes her look even dumber. And considering she fell for Rebecca’s “fake black eye” (which by the way, acting that out has never looked as fake), I gave up on when this film could find some redemption. The movie was heavily criticized on release, and rightfully so; whether it was the bad script, the poor direction, or even the editing, it’s clear that this movie was not in good faith. Hell, even the POSTERS got heckled, because the school that owns the building photographed in the poster didn’t want to be associated with this movie (how bad a film do you have to be to get lawsuit threats from a POSTER of all things?). I’ve talked about this film prior in my Worst of 2011 video, in which it made #1 (won’t be the last time), so if you need any further indication that this film was a waste, be aware of that.
6. XX (2017) - This film was sold mostly on the basis of being an all women helmed, horror anthology film at Sundance, but the biggest problem was that none of these filmmakers seemed to know how to deliver a scary story in the slightest. The first story, based on Jack Ketchum’s The Box, had some potential, but by the end, it falls flat and just stops, rather than end. I was expecting it to have a message on family or carnivorism, but it doesn’t. The last two segments are a dull monster in the canyon story, and a pseudo-sequel to Rosemary’s Baby, but the spark of intrigue came too little, too late. However, the worst story of this film is the birthday party; the editing and directing are WAY out of tone, with the actors performing like a sketch comedy, while the editing still keeps the loud string drops and eerie music. And apparently this decision was intentional, because the director, Annie, Clark, said she hates horror films...THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT OF MAKING THIS?! Now, that’s not to say you can’t do comedy and horror well, but when it obviously looks like you’re not even trying, you don’t get a pass. There isn’t any clever commentary brought about, the acting from all the stories is terrible, the dialogue is painful, and there’s no connection to get me invested. If you see this in your Netflix feed, skip it at all cost.
5. Piranha 3DD (2012) - Does it help that I put this misogynistic piece of shit higher than something that was supposed to be progressive move? Because this film rightfully deserves it. As a sequel, it contradicts nearly everything established in the first film, aside from Ving Rhames’s legs and the fact that Christopher Lloyd is still surprised when someone brings him a piranha, without any acknowledgement of the giant piranhas we ended with last time. Not only that, but the attempts at humor are so crude and tasteless, that it becomes severely uncomfortable to watch. If you want a dumb fun gore-fest, go watch the 2010 film; not only do you get Elizabeth Shue as a baddass policewoman, Adam Scott as the love interest, Steve McQueen’s grandson playing Shue’s son and the lead, and even Eli Roth gets what’s coming to him in this film! Whatever you do, stay away from this pig shit.
4. The Green Inferno (2013) - Speaking of Eli Roth, of the kinds of films he made over the years, this was one I could barely stomach; the only reason I saw it was due to the delay of it catching my curiosity. In the end, what I got was a pointless gorefest, where all but the most despicable of supporting characters survive, while the ones we don’t know yet still feel sorry for, end up getting the worst circumstances. It doesn’t help that the film received a lot of pushback for being one of those “we were fighting for the natives, until they tried to kill us, so fuck ‘em” films, and rightfully so. While I do give credit to Roth for going all out with the gore (especially in the practical effects), in an attempt to pay tribute to films like Cannibal Holocaust, but who in their right mind would WANT to make more movies like this anymore? Sure, it’s shot better than most of his other works, but that’s not saying much.
3. The Neon Demon (2016) - Nicholas Winding Rifen has been one of those indie directors that I don’t have much appeal with, and this movie didn’t help in the slightest. In fact, it not only tries to be shocking in it’s own way like Eli Roth, it goes as far as to try and insult its audience by trying to be this preachy fetish-piece that somehow got greenlit into theatres. There are some interesting ideas, themes, and meanings that do peak interest, such as the mountain lion (for some reason) foreshadowing the character’s fate, but there’s no real purpose in the end. The whole meaning I got was model bitches be crazy; heck, why even bother having actors like Elle Fanning, Keanu Reeves, or Christina Hendricks in this at all? You could have gotten some new faces, and it wouldn’t change a thing. With how this film was so bad I walked out on it, let’s leave it at “I draw the line at necrophilia.” Moving on!
2. Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse (2015) - It was only a matter of time before I thought I would mention this again. The film centers around a group of loser scouts (nerdo, fatso, and jerko) who end up leading the charge against a zombie outbreak. You would think with that title, this would be a fun mockumentary about surviving the apocalypse, but it’s not; it’s just another Judd Apatow/Sam Raimi wannabe that thinks its being funny, because it dropped an f-bomb or because these characters are horny (haha, someone was literally hanging from a zombie dick/haha, someone touched a zombie boob). The acting is abysmal, especially from our three leads. I never once bought any of them as friends, or even real people to begin with, especially with how they treat each other. It’s no wonder no one is friends with them, because they, and everyone else in the school, are assholes. The zombies aren’t even consistent; one minute you have some running, others walking, and suddenly you have ones that can perform their previous lively routines (yeah, Shaun of the Dead did it too, but they’re weren’t flawless)! There’s even a stupid running gag about how David Koechner gets turned into a zombie and everytime they encounter him, he still won’t die…they stretched that joke to the end credits. Up until now, this was #1, but that’s changed...
1. The Haunting of Sharon Tate (2019) - This is supposed to be a retelling of the events of August 9th, 1969, the night the titular actress was murdered by the Manson Family; only it’s told through the perspective of a psychological slasher film, in an alternate reality where Sharon saw these events as a vision. No, you’re not going crazy. Someone actually made a slasher film out of true events, involving a eight-month pregnant woman. Now I know most of you will ask why I thought this was offensive to Sharon Tate, yet thought Once Upon a Time...in Hollywood wasn’t the case? Because Tarantino’s film never criticized Sharon; he was making light of the idea of the killers were stupid and went to the house next door, and it was instead a tv star and stuntman waiting for them instead. This film, however, shows you the true events unfold, at least twice: one in accuracy, and the alternative, in which Sharon stands up to the Manson family to save them...only for the film to end with a “Got ya! If only that were true!” moment. But let’s take history out of the scenario; it’s still crap! The editing is choppy as hell, the camera work is garbage and uninspired, the acting is worse than what you’d find on any true crime channel, and the direction is so sloppy and half-assed, it feels like it was directed by a film school professor who was on his film break! The Haunting of Sharon Tate is, hands-down, the worst film I’ve seen this year, and rightfully deserves to be called the worst horror film of the decade.
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