The Snowman (the incomplete release) - 13 Nerdy Nights of Horror - Day 9

            Not many people are going to ask this question, but I will: Michael Fassbender, what happened to you? Seriously, I want to know what the hell happened to you? You’re one of the most talented and appealing actors working today, and with two Oscar nominations under your belt. But for some reason, aside from the “X-Men: Beginnings” saga, you somehow end up in some of the most underwhelming films I had seen the past few years. Even the Steve Jobs film, despite the praise it got, I still found to be a film I didn’t care about whatsoever.

Last year, Fassbender was in the movie “Assassin’s Creed,” which he also produced. And if any of you have seen my “Top 15 Worst Films of 2016,” you would know that the film tied for the #2 spot. The acting was boring, the cinematography was murky and unpleasant, and the story was so convoluted and complex, that it felt like they were trying to work in an entire season of an HBO show into a less than three-hour movie. It was then after seeing that movie, I was led to believe that Michael Fassbender could never put his name to something worse than that…and then 10 months later, I see “The Snowman,” and was immediately proven wrong like I was told the apple wasn’t really a banana.

“The Snowman” is a film that insults me in ways that I didn’t think it would even go to. What’s the plot? I can’t tell you, because the film ITSELF doesn’t even bother to tell you. This film is directed, edited, and written, as if it was something I would write as a teenager, if I wanted to make a detective story. Actually, I take it; I COULD MAKE SOMETHING BETTER THAN THIS! Everything that you see in this film is every stock, cliché, and stereotypical shit point that is found in just about any detective story, that I’m surprised they didn’t have a character go “elementary, my good such-and-such.” I mean, it’s about an alcoholic detective, who is separated from his family, trying to solve a case of murders that will end up with his female partner killed, but solve it and become closer to his family…riveting.

The director of this film was Tomas Alfredson, the one behind “Let the Right One In” and “Tinker Taylor Soldier Spy.” I know it’s been six years since his last movie, but he’s still a very talented guy. And from what I’m told, the book this movie is based on has been said to be really good. Of course, it’s the seventh book in a series, so maybe jumping ahead might not have been the smartest idea. Or better yet, maybe the studio should not have given him such a tight deadline that made it so 10-15% of the script was never filmed, emphasizing even more just how cheap this movie is. Also, it’s a mostly snowy field setting, so that makes it even more boring.

Michael Fassbender…again, what happened to you? You can tell he’s trying to carry this film as much as possible, but the script and editing are so poor at trying to piece together a story for him to follow, it felt like he gave up at some point without telling the audience about it. Honestly, I’m convinced that the people behind this were just following Fassbender with a film camera while he was on a drinking binge to stomach his career. And it’s not just him that’s wasted, it’s everybody here in this movie. Rebecca Ferguson, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Toby Jones, James D’Arcy, Chloe Sevigny, J.K. Simmons, and even poor Val Kilmer, still fighting cancer, was dragged into this cluster fuck. None of them are engaging, the acting from just about each of them is mediocre, and every single one of them acts suspicious for the sake of being suspicious. You already know who the killer ends up being, because the movie makes it obvious, but it also feels the need to remind you of who ISN’T the killer, but still make them look like a suspect.

Now you’re probably wondering, throughout all of the horse-shit that is present within the film, how does it all end? Well, it’s just some guy, who lost his mom as a kid. Does it amount to anything? No. Does it symbolize Michael Fassbender to appreciate the family he has? No. Does he evolve from being the cliché drunk who sleeps in the park? No. Oh, and the way villain dies, is he falls into the lake without seeing the hole…they literally defeat the villain, with a cartoon gag.

People, please…don’t see “The Snowman.” I implore you, stay as far away from this movie as humanly possible. It’s a film that should not have happened, and the fact that it did is terrifying. It had a great cast, a great director, a story that’s well acclaimed, but it’s a case of a studio just not caring about it. If you’re not even going to allow the people who you hired to finish the movie you commissioned, get another job! And with that, “The Snowman” is the single worst detective story I have ever seen.

Rating: 1/10

Amityville: The Awakening - 13 Nerdy Nights of Horror - Day 8

            With the success of James Wan’s “The Conjuring” back in 2013, Warner Bros. took this as a sign to get a horror franchise going, by adapting all of the Warren cases into feature films, dubbing it “The Conjuring Universe.” Because everything needs to be a universe nowadays. So far, with both “The Conjuring” and “Annabelle” movies, the series has had relatively good success at the box office, and with the exception of “Annabelle,” the two “Conjuring” movies and “Annabelle: Creation” turned out pretty damn good. Some even praise them as some of the better horror films to come out as of late.

            It also highlights upon one of their most famous cases, and one that was adapted into a film franchise back in the late 70’s, “The Amityville Horror.” The story of Amityville is that of a man who ended up shooting six of his family members, and how the ghosts of that house begin to torment the next family that lived there. Despite the whole paranormal thing being a hoax, it still remains one of the most horrifying tales to think about. And for something as low budget at the time, it really added to this grounded feel to it, which got to a lot of people at the time, who admitted to being through similar scenarios.

The original still stands as a classic, and one of the most memorable roles for both James Brolin and Margot Kidder. Today, it may not be much, but at the time it really got to you. The rest of the film series, I didn’t really bother with. Aside from the 2005 Ryan Reynolds remake from Platinum Dunes, I never really kept up with the rest of the series. None of the theatrical sequels they did, not the made for tv movies, none of the direct-to-video releases, nothing. I just felt like aside from the first film and the remake, there really wasn’t much to go into about with it. That is until the past few years.

Back at the turn of the decade, Dimension and Blumhouse were in talks of making a brand new “Amityville” movie, to possibly cash in on the found footage craze at the time. However, that fell through when Franck Khalfoun got on board, and decided to go back to the basics of the series, and got it ready to show for fans to witness…problem was, the film couldn’t find a way to theatres for a good while. When the film got going into production, it was set to release back in January of 2015. It had distributing troubles, companies had to sell the film around, test screenings were negative, reshoots had to be done, trailers popped up at one point then vanished, it was a mess. Considering how much I was curious to find out what about this film was worth storing away to try and release, I decide to check it out, prepared for its theatrical release on the 27^th, hoping it comes to Las Vegas…and then I found out on October 8th, they dumped the film on Google Play for free, until its blu ray release this November…I’m not kidding, look it up if you don’t believe me.

So now that it was finally released to the public, was “Amityville: The Awakening” worth the wait? Well, let me put it to you like this: Imagine “Texas Chainsaw 3D,” a direct sequel to the original 1970’s movie, that completely ignores any other film in the franchise; now try mixing it in with “Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2,” and you have a masterpiece of shit. This is one of the most indecisive movies that I have ever seen, because it doesn’t know what it’s trying to be. It claims that this is a direct sequel to the Amityville series, but it’s not; even if they try to recreate the ending style of the first film, it doesn’t work because it was proven a hoax, so there’s no tension behind it, thus no reason to make this movie. Hollywood needs to stop doing this! At times it wants to be an “Amityville” movie, with a sick family member getting better via possession; then it goes into a “Scream” wannabe at school, with the dorky friends; then it wants to be this weird melodrama about how Mommy cares more about the sick boy twin then ever acknowledging the daughter twin’s existence. Oh, and there’s a little sister, played by McKenna Grace from “Gifted,” in the movie too. Because, why the fuck not, right? This movie is hitting almost every one of the horror clichés that we’ve established since the 1960’s, so why not throw in a little girl to the movie? I can just imagine how that process went, like the casting director was like Jake from “The Blues Brothers” in the restaurant scene.

Writing is cliché, but what about our cast and characters? Honestly, some of them are obviously trying to make this work, especially Bella Thorne and Jennifer Jason Leigh as the mother and oldest daughter. You get that they have a rough history that involves the son, as if she was the one who paralyzed him by accident, and the scenes involving them about what to do with him or how they’re going to mend their relationship back together, has a lot of potential that could easily work for a horror film like this…I just wish that it didn’t have to be an attempt at reviving the “Amityville” franchise. Aside from them and McKenna Grace, the rest of the acting is just abysmal to sit through; even with actors like up-and-comers like Thomas Mann or veteran actors like Kurtwood Smith, these are really uninteresting characters to watch. As for the sick son, there really isn’t much to say about him; he’s just a corpse for a demon of the house to possess. Oh great, check off the sick person being possessed off the cliché list.

The direction of this film also feels really uninspired, as you got jumpscares that don’t amount to anything, false scares from illusions, the whole tense moment of whether or not the child will be shot…guys, I’m grasping at what I can with this film, but it’s giving me nothing. A similar event like this, where I saw a film that gave me nothing, and that was “Phoenix Forgotten.” It was a horrible movie, because it had nothing of substance worth talking about; it’s that dreadfully boring. “Amityville: The Awakening” isn’t as bad as “Phoenix Forgotten,” but it’s still guilty of being a colossal bore to sit through.

Overall, don’t let curiosity get to you with “Amityville: The Awakening,” even if a theatre does release it near you. Aside from our three main actresses, the film suffers from really stock writing that even middle schoolers would probably get away with doing. The acting is dull, the setting is dull, the direction is dull…why am I even still talking about this?

Rating: 2/10

Life (2017) - 13 Nerdy Nights of Horror - Day 7

            So we all know that I’ve established that I’ve never liked a film in the “Alien” franchise since “Aliens,” as discussed in my review for “Alien: Covenant.” Even after getting the director who started it all back for the previous two movies, it ends up being a boring mess of garbage. You start to ask yourself, can we ever get a good “Alien” film again, or at least a film that’s “Alien”-ish? Well, look no further than “Life.”

            Directed by Daniel Espinosa, who gave us "Safe House," and written by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick, the same duo behind “Deadpool,” we’re told the story of six astronauts, who discover a life form from Mars, which they name Calvin. What it turns out to be, is a living multi-celled organism that is deadly beyond comprehension, and now it’s a game of survival to see who escapes from this creature.

            Now from that description, you would assume that this is a rip-off of the first “Alien” movie, to which I would say you’re right. I didn’t see the film during its initial release, due to being busy with a few projects, and other films getting in the way. Also at the time, my friend Melinda Core had already seen the movie and did her own review for it. She wasn’t much of a fan of it, but if you want better details, go and check out her video. Once the summer time rolled around, I got curious and decided to check the film out at the discount theatre while I had the chance.

            Whether I was still grumpy from “Alien: Covenant” or if it was just low expectations, I’m delighted to say that “Life” was definitely more of a true “Alien” film than “Covenant” ever could be. Because one of the things I loved about this movie was how grounded it felt in reality. Despite it being an alien horror movie, it never once felt like this took place in a vastly different world: it feels like this is something that could happen with our space work today. I also add the touches of CGI that Espinosa uses, along with Seamus McGarvey’s camera work, to create these tracking shots as they fly around the ship. Really lets you get used to the station around you, and how give you a proud sense of claustrophobia.

Even the characters add to that grounded tone. You have a minimal amount of characters to get used to throughout this film, and all of them have something that makes them likable in their own way. They aren’t the cut-and-paste kind of characters that you’d come to find in either “Prometheus” or “Alien: Covenant,” people who you see on camera, only to see die because we need to show off death for our horror movie; “Life,” for lack of a better term so I don’t sound cheesy, has some life put into each of these characters. It’s a minimal amount, but you grow attached to them as they all interact with one another.

            As for the alien life form, which is called “Calvin” in the movie, it does play on some of the usual tropes that we come to expect. Nowhere to run from this creature, it starts off cute but then goes evil, it’s immune to fire, it gets smarter as the film goes on, it ends up getting bigger, and it kills people from the inside out. But like I said, the way it’s presented and how the actors work with it is how it really captures your attention. It’s transition from a small little puddle like form, into a spider/manta-ray beast, really keeps you on the edge of your toes as you root for the team to get away successfully. Also, I got to hand it to this film for even having the balls to end the way it did. Even though I was predicting it might go in that direction, the fact that it did makes it all the more enjoyable.

            If I did have any complaints with the movie, aside from the unoriginality, it would probably be with Jake Gyllenhaal. Don’t get me wrong, I think he does great in the movie, but it’s just that his character wasn’t really anything special, especially compared to everyone else. It personally disappoints me, because Gyllenhaal as of late has been one of the biggest standout powerhouse actors that I’ve really been rooting for to get recognition for. He does great, don’t get me wrong, I just didn’t think his character was the best written.

            Of course, I have to now talk about the rumors that went around this film, and if I was one of those suckers. So before the film came out, there had been rumors floating around saying that this film was going to be the origin film for the upcoming “Venom” movie that Sony is pushing for. First off, you people need to stop trying to associate everything with a franchise or universe; it’s fucking annoying. Second, this was made through Lionsgate, not Sony. And third, just because you have an alien movie with a dangerous gooey life form, doesn’t mean it’s an already established gooey life form from another existing material. This is the same kind of shit that people did with “Cloverfield” and “Super 8.” Yeah, remember that going around the internet?

            With that said, I came out of “Life” pleasantly surprised, and glad I got the chance to see it. It may not be a rip-off of “Alien,” but at least it’s better than all of the films in the “Alien” franchise from the 3^rd then onward. It’s got likable characters, an entertaining and intimidating monster, excellent direction and photography, and one bold ending…seriously though, that took balls.

Rating: 8/10