The Terminator 35th Anniversary - 31 Nights of Horror Reivews Year 6

The Terminator was written and directed by James Cameron, and stars Linda Hamilton as Sarah Connor, a waitress who is being hunted by a killer cyborg from the future, and her only hope for survival is the time traveling soldier, Kyle Reese. With the release of Terminator: Dark Fate (2019), marking the first time since the second film that Cameron and Hamilton worked on the series together, I wanted to take this time to look back on the film that started the Judgement Day crisis from the start.

Being influenced by John Carpenter’s Halloween (1978) and tv shows like The Outer Limits, James Cameron set out to create his own influential slasher film, after working on the infamous Z-grade film, Piranha II: The Spawning. With collaboration help from William Wisher, the two were able to get a proper story going; problem was, their work lead to the outline for Terminator 2, which was too advanced for early-80’s Hollywood. Enter: Gale Ann Hurd, an assistant to Roger Corman, who with a little help in some script edits, helped get the film secured by Orion Pictures, and the rest is history.

Since its release in October of ‘84, The Terminator has been cited as one of the most influential movies of all time, and rightfully so. Much like Spielberg with Jaws (1975), Cameron was able to prove with a minimal budget of $6.4 million (nearly $16 million today) and the right strategy, you can make a big success out of something little. The practical effects are still jaw dropping and gruesome (especially with the eyeball scene), and the stop-motion at the end still gets my heart racing. The themes about the dangers of technology advancing, our trust in reality, as well as questioning what makes us truly human. The action scenes still nail biting to this day, especially in the era where stuntmen were still used to help make things more convincing.

One of the major traits that James Cameron has is that he always has great female leads, especially one that has the greatest evolving arc: Sarah Connor. While starting out like the typical waitress damsel, Sarah is capable of standing her own, going from being hunted to a warrior not afraid to shoot you, considering she accepts her fate as conceiving the next protector; even after sustaining a broken leg, she can still find the strength to crawl away as best she can. This kind of female empowerment is what likely got Cameron the job to work on Aliens, considering the dynamics between Ellen Ripley and Sarah. Linda Hamilton was perfectly cast, making it one of her signature roles to this day; even with recastings like Lena Headly or Emilia Clarke, there’s only one true Sarah Connor. 

Michael Beihn as Kyle Reese, greatly resembles a soldier who has been through hell and back. His determination, his quick and panicked talk, and his patience for the worst; he gets it nailed down pretty nicely. After rewatching it, knowing what happens in the ending, it makes the conversations he has with Linda about her future son (Reese’s boss) all the more bittersweet. Paul Winfield Lance Henrickson also has a great part as the police officers tracking the case, the late-Bill Paxton has a cameo as a thug in the opening, and even Dick Miller makes an appearance as a gun store owner.

The T-800, played by Arnold Schrwarzenegger, is the pure definition of “career defining performance”. Coming off of Conan the Barbarian, this was the next role to truly define Arnold’s career, as the indestructible action man. His size, his accent, his limited and careful use of words, while we joke about today, ended up being perfect for this role; his actions in this movie are simple, direct, and to the point, which can be very scary considering we’re talking about a killer robot. It’s interesting, because he didn’t really have high hopes for the film, until after it was released. Even the famous “I’ll be back” line was originally a struggle, yet now it’s become HIS catchphrase. He was originally asked to play Kyle Reese, but was recast due to the studios being unable to find an actor to size against him as the T-800. Mel Gibson was considered, and even Sylvester Stallone was approached, but both declined; the third actor who failed to earn the role was O.J. Simpson, but unlike the prior two, he was turned down because Cameron didn’t think Simpson would be convincincing as a killer (I can only imagine how awkward THAT would have been).

The only thing that does seem a little problematic is the ending and how the time travel plays ahead, but considering this is a film that illustrates that the inevitable is coming and there has to be a purpose for everything in history, I let it go. Plus, there are hints that do point to a follow-up, but I also love how conclusive it feels overall.

The Terminator still has every reason to be called one of the best science fiction films of all time, and definitely deserves recognition as a great indie horror flick.

With the efforts put into the effects, the performances from rising stars, and the limitless potential that James Cameron showed as a director, it’s no wonder this has been one of the most influential works released.

Rating: A+

So with that said, you’re probably asking what are my thoughts on Terminator: Dark Fate? Well, considering we haven’t had a good Terminator film since the second film, my expectations are low. Sure, you have Linda finally returning after nearly 30 years, along with James Cameron producing, but after T3: Rise of the Machines and Genisys, along with the bombardment of advertising, I’m kind of over the hype this franchise held; sure, Salvation was okay (and I did like having a film set in the future war), but it wasn’t enough to truly warrant going further with. If the new film’s good, then I’ll eat my words with dignity; but until then, I’m not holding my breath.

The Dead Don't Die - 31 Nights of Horror Reviews Year 6

The Dead Don’t Die is written and directed by Jim Jarmusch, and it takes place in the town of Centerville, USA, following a pair of cops on patrol during a zombie invasion, caused by polar fracking and lunar radiation.

Jim Jarmusch is one of those filmmakers that has a very non-traditional approach to his movies, such as Stranger Than Paradise and Coffee and Cigarettes; the acting approach is normally handled like they’re first told the scenario before he yells “action”. Despite the fact that I’ve become desensitized to zombies, he gave an intriguing enough premise and had a solid cast attached it. And despite his style not being my particular taste, the movie managed to be one of the more unique zom-coms I’ve seen in a long time.

Adam Driver and Bill Murray are a great pair, and their dry sense of humor is perfect for one of Jarmusch’s scripts. They always seem to have some kind of sarcastic sounding or ‘matter-of-fact’ delivery that never once felt out of character. I also love their fourth wall humor, such as when they’re talking about the film’s theme song by Sturgill Simpson (who has an appearance as a zombie), to when they’re discussing the script itself; with the kind of filmmaker Jarmusch is, I’d actually believe it if that scene was entirely improvised by Driver and Murray.

As for the supporting cast, Chloe Sevigny as the third cop of the crew does great; with this style of film making and with the leads we have, she has great impeccable timing with them. Danny Glover and Steve Buscemi as a hardware store owner and conservative farmer both have hilarious moments, along with Eszter Balint as the waitress who serves them in their first scene. Iggy Pop and Sara Driver appear as the first two zombies, Selena Gomze and Austin Butler appear as some party groupies passing through town, and Tom Waits as Hermit Bob always kept me guess what this crazy guy was going to do next.

The zombies are done in the traditional George A. Romero style, whom Jarmusch has noted as inspiration for this film, with the addition of smoke and ash coming from the wounds. After all the running zombie films we’ve been getting since Zack Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead, it’s nostalgic to see some filmmakers keep some old cliches feel fresh again.

In terms of negatives, it has to do with Tilda Swinton’s character and what they do with her by the end. She’s hilarious and gives a badass performance, but maybe too badass; it just felt by the end of the movie, Jarmusch wrote himself into a corner with this character, and needed some outlandish way to get her out. I laughed, but only at how left-field it was. Not to mention, it does kind of spoil itself, which I didn’t think was possible for a film to do, but it does kind of make it predictably disappointing.

The Dead Don’t Die was a delightful experience I didn’t think I was going to get, but I’m happy it did. With how common place and by the numbers zombie flicks had been, it’s refreshing to get one that has a nonchalant approach to it like the audience does. It’s not breaking any ground or anything, but compared to other zombie films over the years, I’d take this one over the rest. 

Rating: B+

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army - 31 Nights of Horror Movie Reviews Year 6

Hellboy II: The Golden Army is once again directed and written by Guillermo del Toro, based on the Mike Mignola comics, and stars Ron Perlman, Selma Blair, and Doug Jones, returning as their characters from the first film. Nuada Silverlance, the exiled prince of magical creatures, is on the hunt for control of the lost Golden Army; the BPRD assigns Hellboy and his team to investigate the matter, all while Liz is contemplating how to tell HB he’s going to be a dad.

While the first film was well received, it wasn’t quite the box office juggernaut that Sony would have liked; considering they had released Spider-Man 2 a few months after the first Hellboy, they didn’t see much use in renewing del Toro’s contract for a sequel. Thankfully, after getting massive critical acclaim for Pan’s Labyrinth, Universal Pictures came to the rescue and bought the rights to secure a sequel, this time with creator, Mike Mignola, involved with the script. Instead of adapting one of the already established storylines in the comics, Mignola and del Toro both took inspiration from mythical folklore to craft a brand new story the film version of Hellboy.

With this extra creative freedom, it ended up being the right decision; Hellboy II: The Golden Army is both a damn good sequel, and I would put it among my favorite comic book movies. For starters, the production looks fantastic; the catacombs and troll village all feel lively, with something interesting to notice. The end fight with the titular army is exciting, if a little short. The rest of the action is better, with less CGI and more stunt work; the fight with Winkey and then the climactic duel at the end, it’s impressive that even in all that makeup and prosthetics, Ron Perlman managed to prove that being in your 50’s couldn’t stop you. 

The returning cast is just as good as they were before, including John Hurt as Prof. Bruttenholm in the opening flashback scene; it also helps that the exposition for the villain’s motives, are told through a bedtime story, so it in no way feels forced. Hurt still brings that humble presence about him, and once again, makes me really miss this actor a lot more, even for the briefest of moments.

Ron Perlman as Hellboy is just as good, if not better than the first film, and this time he’s got the full spotlight. With Rupert Evans not returning, the character of Meyers was written out and definitely for the better. With the subplot of Hellboy becoming a dad with Liz, it made more sense for her to take on the human partner role, since she literally IS his partner. There's also Hellboy's dilemma of obtaining acceptance in society, and his living style affecting their relationship, so the empathy with these characters is still just as prominent. The lovable sidekick role is now also passed onto Doug Jones as Abe Sapien, this time with HIS voice and not David Hyde Pierce’s. I also love how he has his own love life problems as well, as they protect Princess Nuala (Anna Walton), giving him more development, especially with Hellboy. My favorite scene is when they get drunk and start singing their love life grievances to each other. It shows that despite having these adult creatures from beyond our world, they drink away their problems, like a couple of college kids.

In terms of new characters, the biggest addition is Johann Krauss. Unlike the first film with Abe, Johann was intentionally dubbed over by Thomas Kretschmann (Baron Strucker from Age of Ultron), but del Toro felt that his vocal performance wasn’t quite matching with the suit effects; so his voice was provided by Seth MacFarlene, in his feature film debut. I've discussed that McFarlane's humor can be very hit or miss, but he can be great under someone else's direction. While also being fluent in German, McFarlane adds onto John Alexander and James Dodd's body performances, giving Johann the perfect timing with each response, and never does his vocal performance drop into Family Guy territory (even del Toro had to be sure of that to him). Luke Goss as Prince Nuada is a vast improvement over Rasputin as the villain; much more to the point, very calculative, and definitely deadly. Major props again to Doug Jones, as the Angel of Death, in all its prosthetic glory; looking back, it really makes me wish Konami let him and Hideo Kojima make Silent Hills, considering the imagery.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army is a damn good sequel, and easily one of del Toro's top 5 best, if you ask me. The lore is rich and deep, the dialogue and delivery are stronger, the effects and make-up are improved, and the score by Danny Elfman is heavenly.

Rating: A

So with all the improvements towards the effects, the writing, and action, you’re probably asking, why did a third film never happen? Well, it’s sadly once again due to money. The film made double its budget, but unfortunately never saw the proper amount needed for Universal to give the greenlight on it. It also didn’t help that the film was released one week before Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight, which went on to be the year’s highest grossing film; and after the disappointing returns they faced with The Incredible Hulk’s distribution a month prior, they just didn’t seem to know how to handle the genre. And despite years of fans pressuring for a third film, del Toro was unable to get a studio to greenlight a third film his way, before going off to work on a different project worth making.

Now the question that remains is, where does Hellboy go from here? Somewhere dark...and stinky...

Hellboy (2004) 15th Anniversary - 31 Nights of Horror Reviews Year 6

Hellboy (2004) was directed and co-written by Guillermo del Toro, based on the comics by Mike Mignola, and stars Ron Perlman as the titular character. From the result of a failed Nazi experiment to open the gates of Hell, a demon escapes and is taken into the custody of the government. Now going from the FBI to being an agent for the Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense (B.P.R.D.), John Meyers finds himself working with the hybrid spawn, Hellboy, as they’re assigned to hunt the returning Nazis, that want to awaken Hellboy’s potential.

The new millennium opened up a new wave of filmmaking, especially when it came to comic book movies. At the time, there weren’t that many successful attempts, and unless you were Batman or Superman, nobody was really interested in seeing it; all that changed with the release of the first X-Men by Bryan Singer, and the rest is history.

Between the time of his first two films, Cronos (1993) and Mimic (1997), Guillermo del Toro became very interested in the comics, to the point that this became a passion project for him; however, no studio was interested in it, due to del Toro wanting creative control, specifically in the casting. Due to the success of both Spider-Man and Blade II in 2002, Sony was confident in adapting another comic book property and felt del Toro’s eagerness would help them in the long run.

So after 15 years since its release, how does it stand? For the most part, this is still a damn impressive movie, and I especially like how it’s more a supernatural noir film than a superhero flick. One of the major pluses to del Toro’s work is that he never skips on the production value; no matter the budget given, he always has the right team to craft the best looking set and utilize the effects proper. While a little bit of the CGI has aged, the make-up and practical effects are still great, especially in the action scenes with the creatures like the Sammael; it helps emphasize the presence they all carry in the film, especially when the titular character is one of them. 

Speaking of which, Ron Perlman is awesome as Hellboy. Being a known, but not popular actor, his casting was the main reason studios were hesitant about making the film, but del Toro wanted nobody else in the role if he was going to direct it. His work on Blade II did convince them to give them the go ahead, and it’s been one of the best casting choices, right up there with Hugh Jackman as Wolverine. With how the character's age and mind are explained, Ron tends to keep it grounded and relaxed, not wanting to get his hands dirty, unless it's desperate. He's a chill frat boy is the best way I can put it, and he's fun to watch. Whenever he shares the screen with Jeffrey Tambor, who plays Tom Manning, the head of the department, always had me laughing, with how he taunts him about being spotted in public.

I especially love the chemistry he shares with Selma Blair as Liz Sherman, an agent who left to hide her pyrokinesis; since Hellboy’s the only one who can’t be hurt by her (being fireproof), you understand how a guy like him would be crazy for someone like her, and only want the best for her. It does take a predictable turn when it brings up the “damsel-in-distress” and “love-triangle” tropes, but considering we were still in the early age of the comic book adaptations, filmmakers were still working to see what sticks. John Hurt is fantastic, and is the other actor who works best with Perlman in this movie. Being the father that Hellboy needed, you definitely feel the relationship that these two share; with how both actors have played disfigured outcasts prior, it felt like there was always a connection they had about how the world views them, and what it means to be a man, accepted by society.

Doug Jones, another del Toro collaborator, as Abe Sapien also has his moments. Jones is credited for his body work, however he was dubbed by an uncredited David Hyde Pierce, who is a good choice to voice Abe, but he later felt it was unnecessary to bring him on, and Jones has voiced him definitively since then. Being the cautious investigator of the group, as well as a literal fish out of water, Jones takes his time to allow Abe’s observational movements to be absorbed onscreen. His work is so impressive, he ended up landing the role of the Amphibian Man in del Toro’s Oscar masterpiece, The Shape of Water. Heck, when it came time for the reboot in early 2019, he was the only cast member they called back to return, but declined (most likely out of respect for del Toro and Perlman). He’s given more time to shine in the sequel, but we’ll cross that bridge eventually.

As for any complaints, I have to admit, I didn’t feel much of an impression with John Myers and Grigori Rasputin. I get that Myers is supposed to work as the audience surrogate character, but Rupert Evans performance felt a little too standard, like any actor his age at that time could have played it. To me, his scenes only get good once Hellboy is there. As for Rasputin, I felt like there could have been a little more for Karel Roden to work off of, but that could be from how the character was written. However, once it does get into the third act, then I start getting invested with him.

In conclusion, Hellboy (2004) isn’t a perfect comic book movie and I get where some might feel bored by it; but for someone who enjoys a mix between the noir and supernatural, especially with charismatic and passionate people working on it, it’s a damn good time. Ron Perlman is a great lead, the supporting cast is all memorable, the creature effects look awesome, and it makes for a fun ride. A good balance between a buddy cop comedy and a supernatural horror thriller.

Rating: B+

Godzilla: King Of The Monsters - 31 Nights of Horror Reviews Year 6

Godzilla: King of the Monsters is directed and co-written by Michael Dougherty (Krampus and Trick ‘r Treat), is the 32nd live action Godzilla film, as well as the third installment of WB and Legendary Pictures’ Monsterverse. Years after the Muto attacks five years ago, Monarch has discovered more monsters, called Titans, beginning to awake, such as Mothra, Rodan, and Monster Zero aka King Ghidorah. When the latter takes reigns over the others to bring about the destruction of civilization, humanity’s only hope for survival is Godzilla.

Back when I started doing these Halloween movie reviews, the first to start off the celebration was the 2014 Garreth Edwards film, which also happened to be the 60th anniversary of Godzilla as a whole; I had quite a number of issues regarding the lack of Godzilla and bigger focus on the humans and Muto, characters killed off in favor of bland ones, and a lot of dark cinematography getting in the way. Luckily, I still thought the film was enjoyable in its own right, because there was at least enough monster action to keep me entertained. And while everyone else looked at that film as a remake, I saw it more as a sequel, due to the fact that it acknowledges the events of the first film in 1954 (similar to Godzilla 1985 and Godzilla 2000).

With the box office success of the movie, it gave greenlight to Kong: Skull Island (another box office success) and the upcoming Godzilla vs. Kong in 2020. Kong: Skull Island was fine, and did solve some problems I had with Godzilla, but at the same time introduced more that hindered its enjoyment; but most audiences seemed please, so who am I to complain? I was still eager to see how they would bring Kong into this new Godzilla world, especially since we haven’t seen an attempt at that since the early 60’s. And unlike the DCEU or the X-Men Fox Saga, this franchise doesn’t have that deep or complex a source material to go off of, so it hasn’t been too hard to be faithful to them. Even then, all you would need to know with this film in particular is giant monsters are attacking, and Godzilla’s the one you root for. 

So going into this film, I expected it to be an entertaining popcorn flick that was hopefully improved upon from the last two films. After all, Michael Doughtry is a great horror director, so I was hoping to see more tense and frightening execution. And while it does solve some problems the previous two films had, there were still a lot of issues that resurfaced twice as problematic as before, something that took me a while to come to grips with.

The strongest element this film succeeds in is the Titans; despite my gripes with CGI being used over practical effects, this is the best looking that any of these creatures have ever looked. Godzilla’s appearance looks more refined than last time, leaner and vastly detailed. They also added in a mix of his original roar and the modern one, which manages to work both in this film’s universe context and appealing to the nostalgia of the fanbase. Mothra has a magnificently grand entrance in this film, and Rodan (while the head does look a little silly) is twice as deadly as he’s ever been. However, the best updated execution was Monster Zero, aka King Ghidorah; the one positive to using CGI on him was that Doughtry was able to give each of the three heads a personality, such as the middle one being the leader that hates the dumb left head. I also thought it was clever to relate the conflicts of climate change and connect them to the Titans, as a fallback to the original Godzilla having a message on the usage of nuclear energy. As for the fight scenes, despite still being dark, they’re lit a bit more to see more of the action take place when it happens...WHEN it happens.

That’s kind of where most of my praise ends, because the rest of the movie felt like it was on auto-pilot. I’m not gonna lie, whenever it wasn’t a scene featuring a titan, the pacing of this movie fell drastically, to where I found myself half the time nodding off. As much as I appreciate the build up, they take way too long and the end result of what awakens them is too ridiculous to take seriously (especially with how they awaken Ghidorah or resurrect Godzilla). They also mention that multiple monsters have awoken at once (around 20), yet we only get to see about a mere handful of what we had. It also got annoying, when they kept name-dropping Skull Island, because it was like we didn’t know that Godzilla vs. Kong is the next one. It didn’t help that for a film that builds on Godzilla possibly dying, thinking we don’t already know a sequel was greenlit; it just takes the tension out of the whole movie, something that Sony and Disney did with Infinity War and Endgame, having Far From Home cap off Phase 3 instead of jump-starting Phase 4.

It wouldn’t be so hard to stomach, had any of the human characters been written well. Of the cast from the first movie, the only notable returns were Sally Hawkins and Ken Watanabe; however, much like any sequel that doesn’t have the entire cast return, they end up either having not as much to do or get axed off early on, just to make room for new people to not care about. Vera Farmiga’s character is another one of those “destroy to save” villains that attempts to justify their actions, but it’s handled to be the most predictable and poorly handled arcs I’ve seen for a character since Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom. Kyle Chandler as the main guy was fine, but doesn’t really have much else to go off of. Then we come to Millie Bobby Brown as Farmiga and Chandler’s daughter, and she does fine with what she has, but again, there’s not much to say. Rest of the cast, I can’t exactly say they left much of an impression, which is kind of a shame, since they are talented people.

I will say this, the post-credits scene it has, does get me a little giddy for who they’re bringing to film next, because I can definitely see some strong potential with it...I just hope that Warner Bros. doesn’t repeat what they did with Batman v Superman, and have it be a complicated and depressing mess.

As much as I enjoyed the fight scenes between the Titans, the pacing and human characters make it a little tedious to get to. For Godzilla fans, I would imagine they would have different tolerability levels for it, but it doesn’t quite give it the total satisfying package in theaters. I still think it’s a fun time to watch, for the parts that are fun, but it’s definitely a rental pick, even compared to the last film.

Rating: C-

Top 10 Worst Horror Films of the 2010's - 31 Nights of Horror Reviews Year 6

Welcome back, once again, to another year of Halloween horror movie reviews! With this being the 6th year I’ve made it a month dedicated to horror and horror themed reviews, and with the end of the decade coming very soon, I figured I’d put my graduated ass to work, and give you all a month to truly celebrate. Which is why, maybe not everyday, but for the month of October, I’m going to be giving out 31 Horror movie reviews, with the inclusion of a few Top 10 Lists in the beginning, middle, and end of the month. We’re starting with the worst, and here are the rules I’m going by with my choices:

1. One Film Per Year
1. I want to include each year of the decade, so I’m taking the worst horror film I saw that year, and putting it as its representative.
2. No Remakes or Sequels
1. With the exception of one entry, this list is hyper focused on the singular horror films, rather than any second chances with the same property. Which means, no Paranormal Activity films on here. I’ve got a whole other list on the worst remakes coming soon, as a way to counteract my best remakes list from last year.
3. How Offensive Is it?
1. Horror films usually tend to push the limits of their audiences’ tolerability, but if it doesn’t end up benefiting the story in anyway, what was the point of even doing said action?

With that said, let’s get started!

x x x



10. Ouija (2014) - After a string of critical flops with their remakes, Platinum Dunes decided to team up with the then-upcoming BlumHouse Productions to make some “original” horror films. If you’ve only seen the prequel, Origin of Evil without seeing the first film...keep it that way. Why? Because the first film is every example of how not only how to make a bad horror film, but how to crank it up to a level of annoyance. Seriously, the amount of jumpscares in this movie and how frequent they pop up, meant that I had loud noise blasted in my ears on a continuous streak. On top of that, the film doesn’t establish any rules and decides to make stuff up as it goes along, which seems to be a running safety net for bad BlumHouse films. This is why I had such high praise to the prequel, because it not only filled in the questions I had with the first movie, but also gave us endearing characters that you grew to care for overtime, in what acts as a throwback to 60’s horror films. The first one jumps from one ghost being the villain, only for the ghost they freed to be even worse, but then why was the first ghost killing to begin with? And by the end, it doesn’t even matter who gets away scot free, because these characters are just as stock and generic as any other high school horror film like Truth or Dare? or Wish Upon; it’s a rough start, but it’s a start that should have happened over a decade ago.



9. Slender Man (2018) - Creepypastas are something I don't find quite as scary as I used to (growing up sucks, doesn't it?). But even if I don't get much chill from them anymore, these internet Urban legends do make for some fun entertainment. It makes sense to make a film about the Slender Man, the only problem is nobody really asked for it, at least not after the Milwaukee incident. I go into more detail about this in my review of the movie earlier this year, with the only exception to it being, it has gotten worse the more I think about it. Considering the amount of censoring they had to do just to get Sony to release it, you end up with an oddly paced movie that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, especially by the ending where they pretty much gave up and stopped the movie. And while there are a couple good looking scenes and shots, as well as Javier Botet giving Slendy some unsettling movements and presence, he’s only given a total of three minutes of screen time. Had there been any true desire to make Slender Man movie, we probably had something that stood apart from the crowd, but after this and seeing how the Milwaukee incident in still in people’s minds, I think it’s best to forget about another.



8. My Soul to Take (2010) - As much as we’d all want to believe the late-Wes Craven was this perfect horror god with Scream and A Nightmare on Elm Street (the remake of that release the same year as this film), it’s easy to forget his weaker films were...well, forgettable is one way to put it. On the anniversary of a serial killer’s death, seven teens who were born on the same day, start dying off, believing one of them is the killer, resurrected for revenge. While the concept is intriguing, yet slightly tiring, surely someone like Craven could have done something creative with it, right? No. Unlike Craven’s more acclaimed work, the new talent he introduces as the leads are really boring and stale. The killer also ends up being revealed to be part demon with an ability to body-hop, but by that point, I’ve already checked out by how dull this was. Even with the post-converted 3D effects, it just makes the film look cheap and blurry. It’s a shame, because had it not been for Scream 4, this would have been Wes Craven’s last movie, and he has said on the record that he was proud of it. Guess sometimes, even the greats have their egos.



7. The Roommate (2011) - Ever since the early 90’s, it feels like studios are always trying to put out the next big Fatal Attraction or Single White Female; you know, a somewhat normal person with a dark past is tormented by her new friend/neighbor who is even crazier, making the protagonist face her fears? They’re so repetitive in terms of concept, that it took until A Simple Favor for someone to change it up a bit...but before that, there was The Roommate, which despite WANTING to be revolutionary, ends up being cliche and BORING...but I wish that was where it ended. Leighton Meester as the stalker is awful, and I mean in both writing and her performance overall. I get that she’s trying to pay the psycho introvert that stopped taking her meds, but the way she comes off is either too much or it’ll come out of nowhere; they make her seem so paranoid about who calls her what, that she’ll even go creepy when her character, Rebecca, is offered a nickname. Minka Kelly as the main girl isn’t any better herself, and with the similarities between the two playing a part in the story, it made a lot of her decisions to be super obvious that when she decides to go AGAINST the smart thing, it makes her look even dumber. And considering she fell for Rebecca’s “fake black eye” (which by the way, acting that out has never looked as fake), I gave up on when this film could find some redemption. The movie was heavily criticized on release, and rightfully so; whether it was the bad script, the poor direction, or even the editing, it’s clear that this movie was not in good faith. Hell, even the POSTERS got heckled, because the school that owns the building photographed in the poster didn’t want to be associated with this movie (how bad a film do you have to be to get lawsuit threats from a POSTER of all things?). I’ve talked about this film prior in my Worst of 2011 video, in which it made #1 (won’t be the last time), so if you need any further indication that this film was a waste, be aware of that.



6. XX (2017) - This film was sold mostly on the basis of being an all women helmed, horror anthology film at Sundance, but the biggest problem was that none of these filmmakers seemed to know how to deliver a scary story in the slightest. The first story, based on Jack Ketchum’s The Box, had some potential, but by the end, it falls flat and just stops, rather than end. I was expecting it to have a message on family or carnivorism, but it doesn’t. The last two segments are a dull monster in the canyon story, and a pseudo-sequel to Rosemary’s Baby, but the spark of intrigue came too little, too late. However, the worst story of this film is the birthday party; the editing and directing are WAY out of tone, with the actors performing like a sketch comedy, while the editing still keeps the loud string drops and eerie music. And apparently this decision was intentional, because the director, Annie, Clark, said she hates horror films...THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT OF MAKING THIS?! Now, that’s not to say you can’t do comedy and horror well, but when it obviously looks like you’re not even trying, you don’t get a pass. There isn’t any clever commentary brought about, the acting from all the stories is terrible, the dialogue is painful, and there’s no connection to get me invested. If you see this in your Netflix feed, skip it at all cost.



5. Piranha 3DD (2012) - Does it help that I put this misogynistic piece of shit higher than something that was supposed to be progressive move? Because this film rightfully deserves it. As a sequel, it contradicts nearly everything established in the first film, aside from Ving Rhames’s legs and the fact that Christopher Lloyd is still surprised when someone brings him a piranha, without any acknowledgement of the giant piranhas we ended with last time. Not only that, but the attempts at humor are so crude and tasteless, that it becomes severely uncomfortable to watch. If you want a dumb fun gore-fest, go watch the 2010 film; not only do you get Elizabeth Shue as a baddass policewoman, Adam Scott as the love interest, Steve McQueen’s grandson playing Shue’s son and the lead, and even Eli Roth gets what’s coming to him in this film! Whatever you do, stay away from this pig shit.



4. The Green Inferno (2013) - Speaking of Eli Roth, of the kinds of films he made over the years, this was one I could barely stomach; the only reason I saw it was due to the delay of it catching my curiosity. In the end, what I got was a pointless gorefest, where all but the most despicable of supporting characters survive, while the ones we don’t know yet still feel sorry for, end up getting the worst circumstances. It doesn’t help that the film received a lot of pushback for being one of those “we were fighting for the natives, until they tried to kill us, so fuck ‘em” films, and rightfully so. While I do give credit to Roth for going all out with the gore (especially in the practical effects), in an attempt to pay tribute to films like Cannibal Holocaust, but who in their right mind would WANT to make more movies like this anymore? Sure, it’s shot better than most of his other works, but that’s not saying much.



3. The Neon Demon (2016) - Nicholas Winding Rifen has been one of those indie directors that I don’t have much appeal with, and this movie didn’t help in the slightest. In fact, it not only tries to be shocking in it’s own way like Eli Roth, it goes as far as to try and insult its audience by trying to be this preachy fetish-piece that somehow got greenlit into theatres. There are some interesting ideas, themes, and meanings that do peak interest, such as the mountain lion (for some reason) foreshadowing the character’s fate, but there’s no real purpose in the end. The whole meaning I got was model bitches be crazy; heck, why even bother having actors like Elle Fanning, Keanu Reeves, or Christina Hendricks in this at all? You could have gotten some new faces, and it wouldn’t change a thing. With how this film was so bad I walked out on it, let’s leave it at “I draw the line at necrophilia.” Moving on!



2. Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse (2015) - It was only a matter of time before I thought I would mention this again. The film centers around a group of loser scouts (nerdo, fatso, and jerko) who end up leading the charge against a zombie outbreak. You would think with that title, this would be a fun mockumentary about surviving the apocalypse, but it’s not; it’s just another Judd Apatow/Sam Raimi wannabe that thinks its being funny, because it dropped an f-bomb or because these characters are horny (haha, someone was literally hanging from a zombie dick/haha, someone touched a zombie boob). The acting is abysmal, especially from our three leads. I never once bought any of them as friends, or even real people to begin with, especially with how they treat each other. It’s no wonder no one is friends with them, because they, and everyone else in the school, are assholes. The zombies aren’t even consistent; one minute you have some running, others walking, and suddenly you have ones that can perform their previous lively routines (yeah, Shaun of the Dead did it too, but they’re weren’t flawless)! There’s even a stupid running gag about how David Koechner gets turned into a zombie and everytime they encounter him, he still won’t die…they stretched that joke to the end credits. Up until now, this was #1, but that’s changed...



1. The Haunting of Sharon Tate (2019) - This is supposed to be a retelling of the events of August 9th, 1969, the night the titular actress was murdered by the Manson Family; only it’s told through the perspective of a psychological slasher film, in an alternate reality where Sharon saw these events as a vision. No, you’re not going crazy. Someone actually made a slasher film out of true events, involving a eight-month pregnant woman. Now I know most of you will ask why I thought this was offensive to Sharon Tate, yet thought Once Upon a Time...in Hollywood wasn’t the case? Because Tarantino’s film never criticized Sharon; he was making light of the idea of the killers were stupid and went to the house next door, and it was instead a tv star and stuntman waiting for them instead. This film, however, shows you the true events unfold, at least twice: one in accuracy, and the alternative, in which Sharon stands up to the Manson family to save them...only for the film to end with a “Got ya! If only that were true!” moment. But let’s take history out of the scenario; it’s still crap! The editing is choppy as hell, the camera work is garbage and uninspired, the acting is worse than what you’d find on any true crime channel, and the direction is so sloppy and half-assed, it feels like it was directed by a film school professor who was on his film break! The Haunting of Sharon Tate is, hands-down, the worst film I’ve seen this year, and rightfully deserves to be called the worst horror film of the decade.

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