The Mummy (2017)

Long before Marvel Studios, DC Comics, or Quentin Tarantino were recognized for having their films in one universe, the first cinematic universe title was brought to us by Universal through their monster movies. Famous monsters such as Dracula, Frankenstein’s monster, the Wolf Man, the Mummy, the Invisible Man, the Gill Man. They all have appeared and come together at many different points in time, crossing over into different films, and all have earned their place in true horror history.

For the longest time, Universal has tried to revive these characters under their home, in hopes of building up to one big monster mash up. The first attempt started with “The Mummy Trilogy,” starring Brendan Fraser; but while the first two “Mummy” films, directed by Stephen Sommers,” were successful at the box office, the film “Van Helsing,” also directed by Sommers and starring Hugh Jackman, did not recapture the same kind of appeal with most audiences. This was a problem that the final installment of “The Mummy Trilgoy” had, thus putting the final nail in the sarcophagus.

In the wake of Marvel Studios success with “Iron Man” and “The Incredible Hulk,” Universal made a second attempt to start up a Monster franchise with “The Wolfman,” directed by Joe Johnston and starring Benicio del Toro. Looking back on it, I think it’s a rather decent flick, but sadly the film tanked at the box office, and audiences didn’t look too fondly on it.

This leads us to their third attempt, “Dracula Untold,” directed by Gary Shore and starring Luke Evans. Back in 2014, when I did my first “13 Nerdy Nights of Horror,” this was one of the films that I reviewed for the month of October, and I still stand true that the film is really damn good. Hell, I saw it twice in theaters, and it was a decision I do not regret whatsoever. The tale of Dracula’s origin was so rich and enticing to sit through, seeing a desperate warrior taking the ultimate risk to protect his people, only to give in to the darkness when he’s lost everything he’s cherished and has nowhere else to turn. Or as I like to put it, “Maleficent” done right. However, despite the film’s success at the box office, the critical reception lead Universal to push the restart button…AGAIN. So, Luke Evans will sadly not return as Dracula; left cold and forgotten, like “The Incredible Hulk.”

So after another three years, Universal is certain to try and start up their universe franchise, which they’ve now dubbed “The Dark Universe,” and their start up is “The Mummy,” directed by Alex Kurtzman and starring Tom Cruise. Although, this is not the first time Tom Cruise has been associated with a universe franchise. Back in the mid-2000’s, before Marvel Studios was the juggernaut superhero blockbuster machine that it is now, it had a bit of trouble trying to gain some ground. Before Jon Favereau and Robert Downey Jr. brought Tony Stark to life, original plans were set for Tom Cruise to produce and star as Iron Man, but he eventually left after losing interest. Now after a decade of those plans falling flat, Cruise is repeating history again.

Now the burning question is, how did this film turn out? Well, I’ve had a good amount of time to think about it…and it’s fucking awful. The best way to put it, is that this film is like someone took the things that people hated about “Iron Man 2” and “Batman v Superman,” and decided to amplify it by a hundred. Not only is “The Mummy” the worst attempt Universal has made for a universe franchise, but this is the easily the worst Tom Cruise movie I have ever seen.

You know how in the “Transformers” movies, the humans are center stage and the Transformers are made into side characters in their own movie? That’s what “The Mummy” does here, and that’s the biggest problem I have with this movie: it’s a film called “The Mummy,” yet it’s set on Cruise Control in the worst possible way. I mean, it would be fine if Cruise was playing the Mummy and doing something new, right? Nope! You forget, this is Tom Cruise we’re talking about, someone who tries to make himself out to be the most amazing person ever, yet never graduated high school, has two failed marriages, and believes in “Battlefield Earth.” Instead, Cruise is playing some asshat named Nick, who is just a lousy thief who releases the Mummy, and now is her chosen pawn. Cruise, if this is supposed to be your audition to play Lupin III, you failed miserably at it. He’s not charming, he’s not likable, and by the film’s ending, it builds to him returning in this franchise, which pisses me off because I don’t want to see more of this character. I mean, this is the guy who shoots his possessed friend, not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES! Not to mention, he’s holding the gun in the wussiest way possible, like he’s just fired a gun for the first time! Our hero, everyone!

The supporting cast in this film is very lackluster, and I mean that in the worst way. Jake Johnson, who I’ve seen can be funny in other things, is annoying and only exists to be the comic relief friend. What’s his shtick? He’s dragged into Tom Cruise’s shenanigans, and is then reduced to being part of a big rip-off of the best friend from “An American Werewolf in London” and Jor-El in “Man of Steel.” Annabelle Wallis, she’s there to serve as our F.R.I. (forced romantic interest), but she is so damn boring and forgettable. She does absolutely nothing in this entire film, and could have easily been written out, and it wouldn’t change a damn thing in this entire movie. Hell, the only thing going through my mind whenever she came back onscreen was “Why are you still here? Just LEAVE!”

Now let’s talk about the monsters in this movie (and no, I don’t mean the producers). Russell Crowe, who has been heavily advertised yet hardly had his named put on the marketing, plays Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, who is basically the Nick Fury character. To his credit, Crowe does a good job with what he’s given, but he just doesn’t fit in with the rest of the story, especially the fight scene when he turns into Mr. Hyde. What did that add to the film? Please, tell me. What did that add to this film about an evil Mummy? And don’t give me that “it’s to build up the universe” argument, because I’m not accepting that as a reason for poor writing anymore.

As for the Mummy, you know the thing that the movie’s named after, I will admit that the concept of having a female Mummy is something we don’t see often, and Sofia Boutella does as good as she can with the material she’s given, as well as the makeup on her being astounding. However, her character absolute trash, because the writers don’t know what to do with her. In the beginning of the film that delivers the worst and most unnecessary exposition dump you could imagine, we’re told that she’s pure evil and power hungry…but later on in the film, we’re supposed to feel sorry for her?! Why?! She has nothing redeemable about her, and any attempted excuse to make her redeemable is fucking bullshit! Look at the previous “Mummy” movies; both of those incarnations had its Mummy motivated by the love of their lives; their actions, before and after mummification, were done out of love. Take for example Imhotep from “The Mummy Returns,” when his love is not returned, he chooses death with no purpose left in the world of the living. See? THAT’S how you write a sympathetic villain.

A lot of people have put heavy blame on Tom Cruise for having too much control over this series, and while they are right in that regard, Alex Kurtzman deserves just as much of the blame. Not only did he direct and co-produce this film, but he was one of the six writers that cobbled together this mess. Each scene in this movie feels like it was for a completely different movie entirely. One minute it’s a science fiction movie, then it’s an adventure flick the next, then a spy flick, then a horror film…it’s just a complete fucking mess. Not only that, but with the exception of the plane scene that they show in the trailer, the special effects are horrible. The zombie effects, the truck crash scene, the millions of spiders that crawl over people and they hardly react to them, all take me completely out of the movie and feel so damn cartoonish. Hell, the scene where it does feel like a cartoon is when Annabelle Wallis is shouting “kick her ass,” to Tom Cruise, who picks up a branch and smacks Sofia Boutella with it, only to get an uppercut that sends him flying in the air and flat on his face. It was so bad, that I was in disbelief at what just happened that I started laughing. Same can be said for the final action scene with Cruise and Boutella, where after establishing that Tom Cruise can’t die, and can survive a plane crash and tumbling down a hill under a jeep, but suddenly a hit to the back of the knee takes him down?! Our hero, everyone! A pompous ego thief who has the same weakness as Mae Whitman from “Scott Pilgrim!”

Overall, don’t waste your time with “The Mummy.” Just stay home and watch the Brendan Fraser film; or better yet, watch the original 1932 Boris Karloff film, which is a much more satisfying horror experience. Either way, it’s better than this crap. The characters are horribly written, the story isn’t interesting, the effects are garbage, and the in-your-face reference foreshadowing is distracting. If this was supposed to be the TRUE big start to the “Dark Universe,” then they fucked up big time. And just think, this is probably what the Marvel Cinematic Universe would have been, had Cruise stuck around. Hopefully, we won’t see this “Dark Universe” continue after this…I hope.

Rating: 1/10