Baywatch (2017)

            Remember how I talked about “CHiPs,” and how it failed to replicate the charm of the “21 Jump Street” movies and reel in those audiences? You know, from its characters, to its style of humor, action, and story? Well, the same situation applies for the film adaptation of “Baywatch,” only much worse.

            Once again, I never watched the show “Baywatch,” nor did any of my family members even like the show. The only knowledge I had about was that it was a lifeguard show, known for having David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson run in slow-mo. That’s it. Hell, I think my generation only knows somewhat about “Baywatch” because Hasselhoff made an appearance in “The Spongebob Squarepants Movie.”

            Now when it comes to this “Baywatch” movie, I didn’t really expect much going into it. It simply looked like a dumb comedy with Zac Efron and Dwayne Johnson having a pissing contest with one another, all while trying to solve a crime with two sexy girls by their side. However, that doesn’t begin to scrap the horridness that is this movie. Remember how I said this does everything that “CHiPs” did, but worse? That’s an understatement. “Baywatch” is nothing but a tasteless drag of a comedy, that offers absolutely nothing to its audience. When is Hollywood going to realize that this trend of turning a show into an R rated comedy isn’t always going to be like “21 Jump Street,” and that they need to actually have effort put into it?

            So what’s this film about? A rich tycoon wants to turn the Bay into her own private beach to better handle a drug trafficking operation, and the lifeguards are on the case. In the midst of that, we have terrible joke after terrible joke, either revolving around making fun of the show’s slow-motion gimmicks, someone’s dick getting stuck in a bench, or Zac Efron trying to be a dumb showoff with nothing to show for it while Dwayne Johnson insults him every five seconds.

            Okay, recycled plot aside, there is possibility to make this work, even for the simplest and dumbest of plots. Sadly, Seth Gordon, the director of “Four Christmases” and “Identity Thief,” is the one taking over this train wreck, and we’re all stuck in the middle of it. Every plot line and every joke you can think of is done in such a cliché and low brow manner, that it does absolutely nothing interesting with itself to stand out. Hell, give Dax Shepard SOME credit with “CHiPs,” at least he had some jokes that were so out of nowhere that they got a few laughs out of me. Still a shitty movie, but better than what “Baywatch” attempts.

            The characters are also terribly written here, and you can tell that they’re there to be stereotypes. The obvious rich tycoon villain, played by Priyanka Chopra; Yahya Abdul-Mateen as the cop who doesn’t trust our heroes; the boss, played by Rob Huebel, who is in cahoots with the villain; even Hannibal Buress as one of the locals; they’re all completely underused for such stock characters. As for the Baywatch team themselves, let’s talk about them.

Alexandra Daddario, Ilfenesh Hadera, and Kelly Rohrbach are pretty much there to be useless, eye candy, love interests. Almost all of their scenes consist of them in sexually appealing camera shots, but not doing anything that’s relevant to the plot, other than motivate and save the dumbasses on their team. Although, Daddario and Hadera are wasted more, since they can actually act and work off of others. Rohrbach is absolutely horrendous. I get that her character is only there to be eye candy, the same way Pamela Anderson was, but there’s a fucking limit. All she’s there to do is be the love interest for the fat nerd, and that’s it. She doesn’t do anything, she’s not interesting, and she could have easily been written out of the movie, since nothing would change.

Dwayne Johnson as Mitch Buchannon is absolutely annoying. Sure, he’s played worse characters, but at the very least he’s able to add somewhat of a charm to them. Hell, even in films like “Hercules” and “Tooth Fairy,” he was more likable in those. Here, I got tired of this guy’s after about five minutes. Sure, he’s regarded as a hero to the locals of the bay, but even then I found this guy to be one of the least interesting characters in the film, with his only real shtick being a thorn in Zac Efron’s side and making terrible jokes. The worst joke that he makes in the film by far is where he dumps a dirty diaper hamper onto a guy's head and pushes him into a pool, saying "Bath time, shit head." I actually booed out loud at that joke, it was that bad.

            However, none of it compares to Zac Efron as Matt Brody. Much like Johnson, Efron can be a really good comedic actor, if given the right material. I loved the “Neighbors” movies, and even films like “Dirty Grandpa” and “Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates,” the latter being one of my favorite comedies of last year. He has extremely good comedic delivery, even if the line can be really simple or complete crap. In this film, his character is written so badly, that I couldn’t help but find him revolting to sit through every time he showed up. He’s always this smug washed up douche that can’t seem to function properly as a human being, even at times when he’s trying to make up for being an asshole.

            The chemistry between Johnson and Efron is so bad, that you don’t end up rooting for any of them, and I feel bad that I have to say that. If the script had written them to be a little bit more like actual people, rather than force in this douchebag behavior they throw toward each other, then it might have been a little easy to do so. But no, we constantly get these two being dicks to each other, and not once does it ever garner a laugh.

            Overall, “Baywatch” is the worst film that I’ve seen so far this year. Even if you’re a fan of any of these actors, which I am, you’ll end up regretting giving them a chance after sitting through fifteen minutes of this. The characters are stock, the acting is below tolerable, the action is terrible, and the writing is absolutely abysmal. I hated this movie, and I hope that it doesn’t garner a sequel. I mean, it's opening up against “Pirates of the Caribbean 5,” I might get lucky.

Rating: 1/10