Zoolander 2

When it comes to comedic actors, Ben Stiller is a bit of a wild card. As an actor, it’s hard to expect whether or not he’ll be in a film that’s good. Sometimes he’ll be in something like “Dodgeball” or “Night at the Museum,” and sometimes he’ll be in stuff like “The Watch” or “The Heartbreak Kid.” But the projects that have always been consistently good have been his works as a director. Films such as “Tropic Thunder” and “The Cable Guy” have turned out relatively successful, whether they’d be Oscar nominated works or cult classics, there’s always a special place for them. Hell, his version of “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty” barely escaped being on my Best of 2013 list, being a very touching dramedy. But whenever people think of Ben Stiller’s directed work, the film that everyone instantly thinks of is “Zoolander.”

The 2001 comedy was about male supermodel, Derek Zoolander, who was on top of the fashion world, until his winning streak was beaten by his rival, Hansel. And because Derek is a numbskull, the evil Mugatu plans to use him as his tool to hypnotize into murdering the Malaysian prime minister, to retain child labor in the country.

While the original film wasn’t that big of a hit back then, it developed a massive cult following over the years. There isn’t a moment that hasn’t already been quoted more than once, it gave off a nice low budget feel to it, and I’m certain everybody has given their own blue steel. With how popular the film had become after so many years, it’s become the role we all identify Ben Stiller with, and I think even he knows that.

As the popularity of “Zoolander” grew, speculations on whether they’d make a sequel in the future. On the plus side, it went into production after “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty” was released. On the down side…the film was a complete waste. I’m not kidding when I say “Zoolander 2” is the year’s first major disappointment. Hell, after I saw this movie opening day, I immediately went to go see “Deadpool” to cheer myself up. Yeah, I was that upset.

What’s my major problem with this movie? It’s not funny. Hell, it took me until Billy Zane showed up for the first time before I got a decent chuckle…which was about 10 minutes into the movie. The jokes that they throw at the audience tend to go so far south from either poor execution or it dragging on too long. Or maybe it’s both, and the main thing we’re supposed to laugh at is that their references to the first movie or that the next cameo they throw to make audiences go “Oh hey, it’s that famous person.” Sure, the first movie had tons of cameos, but they never tried to draw the focus away from the story. Here, it’s the exact opposite: the cameos are unfunny and distract from the story. The biggest offenders of this were with Fred Armisen and Benedict Cumberbatch. Armisen plays this frightening CGI child, and the effect looks worse than when they youthanized Mike Myers in "The Love Guru." Yeah, that bad. Plus, the main joke is that he's playing an 11-year old boy...and??? Where's the punchline? In the words of T.J. Miller, “you are haunting.” As for Benedict Cumberbatch, he plays this new transgender model that only appears for like three minutes, then is never mentioned again…seriously? That’s it? You had so much potential with this idea, and you just waste it on jokes about what he/she identifies as? That’s pathetic!

Speaking of which, the story is absolute garbage and isn’t interesting in the slightest. Yeah, Derek Zoolander and Hansel join forces with secret services, so the film is now an Austin Powers wannabe. What’s the goal here? Help the agency, all the while Derek tries to gain custody of his son back, after his wife was killed by the school he built at the end of the first film, because it was made out of faulty construction products. Yeah, they pull the “love interest isn’t there anymore” cliché, something that almost every comedy sequel does, and I’m fucking sick of that. But instead of it being a situation of where the actress couldn’t reprise her role or declined, Christine Taylor does appear in the film as a ghost, which is even worse. What was the purpose? Taylor as Matilda in the first film was such an enjoyable character, and the chemistry that she had with Derek was really fun to watch, especially since the two are married in real life, yet she gets replaced with Penelope Cruz in skin-tight leather? Is there something I’m not aware of?

With the main cast, I felt really bad for them in this film, because they're obviously trying their best. Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson still have good chemistry with one another, and it does feel like they’re having fun with it…but with how this script is written, it just feels really awkward and uncomfortable, especially when they work off of other people. The scenes with Derek and his son? Not funny. The romance subplot with Derek and Valentina? Unnecessary. The scenes with Hansel and his orgy pack? Not that memorable (except for Keifer Sutherland). That obvious subplot about Hansel and his father? Incredibly obvious. Hell, not even Will Ferrell as Mugatu was funny. Even though he plays a big part in the film, he feels incredibly forced.

Overall, “Zoolander 2” was a major disappointment. I hate to admit it, but I just felt so empty watching this. Aside from a couple chuckles that I got, and Ben and Owen trying their best with what they have, it’s just another sequel that tries too hard to be like the first film…but man, was this a fucking misfire. And from the looks of it, there’s a strong chance this will end up on my worst of the year list come this winter.

Rating: 2/10