Sex Tape (Dear Hollywood: Fuck You!!)

                You know…I know there are films that can piss people off to a major extent. Hell, I myself have had moments like that, where I’ve lost my shit over a few films, a couple of which happened this year…but this one managed to bring me to an overwhelming amount of hatred…and it’s called “Sex Tape.”

                “Sex Tape” is about a couple, who have both lost their sex drive, so their solution to fixing that is to make a porno, which soon gets uploaded to multiple devices that their friends, family, and mailman own; so they pursue in a chase to get them back before anybody views it.

                Does this premise sound funny to you? If it doesn’t, then thankfully you still have some brain cells left in you. Now if you think the premise is stupid and retarded already, then you have no idea, because this film is the bane of film-making. And for a premise revolving around a porno, it just makes you wish you stayed home and watched ACTUAL porn instead. Not a single damn joke in this film made me laugh, nor did any of these actors feel genuine; and I say actors, because these where not characters, they were actors being in this film just to make a quick pay check. This whole entire film…excuse me, THING, was just nothing but a dated concept, filled with hammered in product placement, non-existent acting, and tasteless jokes that make even Paulie Shore cringe at. Hell, this whole thing feels like a bad cheap episode of a sitcom, like it was a scrapped idea for an episode of “Seinfeld” that someone found in a trash can and decided “Hmm, well it’s crap, but people will eat it up anyway.”

                Jason Segel has officially proven to me that he’s no longer funny when he’s writing his own crap, because he doesn’t even give a damn about it. The fact that he keeps writing himself as the main lead and love interest, has gotten completely stale, especially when he’s constantly writing himself getting naked in too many scenes to count. When is he going to learn that being naked is not funny? If “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” and “The Five-Year Engagement” have proven one thing, it’s that nudity isn’t comedy; it’s just awkward and gross, especially when it’s constantly shoved in our faces; John Turturro in “Transformers 2” had more dignity than this. Look, I really don’t want to harp on Jason Segel this much, but the only time his writing worked well was with “The Muppets.” Everything else has just been complete and utter cow-shit. Not only that, but the character he wrote for himself is an absolute dumbass. For a guy who has had multiple iPads and has had them drop into his lap for years, how is it he doesn’t know how to remotely wipe stuff, until some douchebag kid tells him that? I have siblings Segel’s age, and even THEY know how this shit works! Fuck you, movie, I’m not stupid!

Cameron Diaz in this film is just a complete bitch in this movie. And by that, I mean she gets mad at her husband for not deleting a simple video of them having sex, despite the fact that it was HER idea to begin with! But here’s an idea: why not just use an actual video camera, instead of a fucking iPad, so you can actually make it a sex tape? You know, because IT’S CALLED “SEX TAPE!” Or how about the scene where she does blow with her boss, Rob Lowe, while Jason Segel is looking for his iPad, when it was CLEARLY by the front door? And then, she gets mad at him, after he gets mad at her when he was being mauled by a dog, in which she blames him for?! Diaz has really let her career go down shit-creek, since she hasn’t done a good movie, aside from voice-acting, in over a decade. Hell, I think the last film that I liked her in was “Gangs of New York,” which came out in 2002! I think that should be a sign for her to fire her agent, and/or kick his/her ass, since she’s in a film, playing a bitch to her husband. But then again, I’m not surprised, since we’re talking about a man who asks Siri for help on how to help a dog breathe.

Which brings me to my next point: the product placement. To anyone who was constantly bitching and moaning about the product placement in “Man of Steel,” you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. There is constant product placement, everywhere you look in this movie, even from the trailers along; Adam Sandler movies have more subtly in their product placement than this filth! And the product placement is a central part in this film, since the ““““sex tape”””” was uploaded to “the cloud.” Hell, there’s even a scene where Jason Segel sees the thing uploaded on each of his devices, from smallest to biggest. Gee, it’s like all those devices are connected somehow…UUUUGGGGGHHH!!! Fuck...YOU, movie! I'm not STUPID!!

The children in this movie are also made out to be some of the most obnoxious and unlikable pieces of shit I have seen in film. You know those lousy archetypes that film makers have represent children that I was talking about in my “Begin Again” review? THIS is exactly what I’m talking about, only much worse. The kids in the first “Purge” movie were more likable than any kid in this film! Oh, and did I mention that the neighbor’s kid is the villain? Yeah, Rob Corddry and Ellie Kemper’s kid, is the one who saw the porno and blackmails the two by threatening to upload it to the internet, for twenty-five grand, so he can buy a horse…okay Segel, AND Nicholas Stoller…I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but…NOBODY IN THIS ECONOMY IS THAT FUCKING RICH IN THE SUBARBS!! And I don’t care if you give out the argument about “oh he’s just a kid,” because no kid would be this much of a fucking asshole or even know about porn, at the age he is, unless his parents were just as douchey. Then again, Corddry and Kemper are lousy parents in this film, since they don’t bother to trust their friend, by simply checking their son’s computer, despite the fact that he acts evil right in front of him; that, and the fact that Corddry and Kemper have sex AND watch the porno in Segel and Diaz's car. So not only does this film represent children in a hateful way, it also represents PARENTING and friendship in a terrible way. FUCK…YOU…MOVIE!

Oh, and did I mention that Jack Black is in the movie? Yeah, Jack Black plays the CEO of YouPorn, which is only an excuse to namedrop other big name porn industries and websites. Okay, first of all, YouPorn only makes this idea seem more dated, since there are other and better websites to check out porn; second, here we go with more product placement…fuck you, movie. Third, instead of just going to the headquarters of YouPorn, why the fuck didn’t they just call the damn cops?! Or even better, punch the kid and then delete it off his computer! It worked for Mark Wahlberg in “Ted.”

Speaking of Seth MacFarlene, I have to bring this up: there was an episode of “Family Guy,” which I’m sure some of you know about, where Lois did a porno back in her college days, and it’s rediscovered and told to the public. And at the end, she basically shows it to the town, embracing the fact that she did something stupid, but isn’t ashamed of it anymore, which is the message of that episode. What’s the message of “Sex Tape?” Don’t be an idiot, or else hijinks! If an episode of “Family Guy” has more meaning and laughs, than a $43 million comedy starring some of Hollywood’s funniest actors…that’s just depressing.

It makes me even sadder, because there are millions of people out there, like myself that have really engaging ideas for films, and have to resort to doing them independently, so they can keep their visions true. They actually want to challenge viewers and show them a story that is meaningful to them, and CAN BE for audiences who take the time to view them. However, their dreams won’t get the recognition because of crap like this! And I know, films are subjective…but if THIS is what’s passing for films, then I’m getting old!

Jake Kasdan, who directed “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story,” isn’t the best comedic director, but he at least knows how to give a decent enough film! But I don’t blame him for this film, since no one could possibly make this hack screenplay work in any way. Let’s just hope that his next film is nothing like this abomination to film making!

You know, “Movie 43” was a disgrace to Hollywood, and is undoubtedly a prime example on how to NOT make a film…however, I think “Sex Tape” may have surpassed how bad comedy can go! Because even though “Movie 43” had more talent behind it, as far as casting goes, it was dead from the start, due to it being penned by a bunch of hacks who have no talent, so there was no question it was bad; “Sex Tape” HAD talent, or at least what was left of it, and it fucking sucked every drop out of each and every one of the people it was able to snatch, and straight up waste it on cheapness and selling out. That’s right people…I said “Sex Tape” was worse than “Movie 43,” by a LONGSHOT!

FUCK THIS MOVIE, AND ANYBODY WHO HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT!!

Rating: 1/10

GODDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!



If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch "(500) Days of Summer" and listen to "Jersey Boys," to try and revive my faith in film making.